Farmer's Fetish (VERY NSFW)

Once upon a time there lived an elderly, wise old farmer, who was horny as fuck. Seriously, it gets pretty lonely out there in the sticks.

Anyway, one day he purchased a new milking machine for his cows which promised rapid, efficient delivery of a near-endless supply of dairy goodness by attaching to the cow's udders and gently squeezing and pulling; it was a win-win: the farmer got to sell a lot of milk, and the cows got a pseudo-handjob every day. Even though cows are in fact female.

But the raunchy rancher, naturally, saw the potential in this hi-tech gizmo for some serious fap assistance, and one night, when the animals were all abed and the familiar, calming sound of rednecks shooting each other echoed pleasantly through the cool night air, he snuck down to the cowshed and attached the machine to his manhood. The master milker was now a master bater. Actually, milker still works. Take your pick.

Anyway, the guy's hunch was correct, and he enjoyed nearly 2 hours of pure, unadulterated ecstasy, tarnished only ever-so-slightly by the omnipresent pungent aroma of cow shit. Ten orgasms later, the old perv was spent, and went to remove the machine. However, there was a catch: the device wouldn't come off. The thing was literally welded to his dick, and no amount of pulling was gonna shift it.

Not wanting to spend what few years of his life remained without a schlong, the farmer staggered over to the instruction manual and flipped to the 'help' hotline number. Using his narratively convenient yet anachronistic mobile phone, he rang the manufacturers.

"'Sup." said the manufacturer.

"Hello," said the farmer. "I've just purchased your new milking machine, and I can't remove it. What the hell do I do?"

"Oh, that'll be the automatic locking mechanism. It's there to make sure it doesn't fall off the cow."

"Well, how d'you get it off?"

"Easy. *You* don't have to do anything, sir. The machine will automatically disconnect once it has collected 8 gallons."