Doctor Jokes

Patient: Doctor, I get the distinct impression that people ignore me.
Doctor: Next patient!


[BIG CHIEF NO SHIT]
There was an Indian chief who was constipated. He sent one of his
warriors to the American doctor who was staying at the frontier outpost, to get some medicine. The warrior says in a few learned words of English, "Big Chief, he no shit". The doctor gave him 1 pill of mild laxative and told him that the chief should be fine tomorrow.
The warrior went back to the chief and gave him the pill. The next morning the warrior was sent back to the witch doctor and says "Big chief, he no shit". The doctor gives him five pills of a stronger laxative to be given the chief. The next day the warrior appears at the doctor's house yet again saying "big chief, he no shit". the doctor gets exasperated and so gives the warrior a whole bottle of the strongest laxative he has got. The next day the warrior goes back to the doctor weeping. "Big shit, no chief", he screamed to the doctor.


A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."


"Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"


The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.


Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.


A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


A man has to have his leg amputated when he was bitten by a spider. After the operation the doctor tells the man that he has some good news and some bad news. The man tells the doctor to tell him the bad new first. The doctor explains that during surgery, they cut off the wrong leg. The patient is horrified, he tells the doctor what could possibly be the good news. The doctor calmly tells the patient that his other leg is getting better.


A doctor was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side.


A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"


A blonde has sharp pains in her side, so she goes to the hospital. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."
The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."


There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner. After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.'' After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again. This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.'' Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''


Q: Why did the doctor put condoms on his ears during sex?
A: He didn't want to get hearing aids.


Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?
A: Have you ever seen a rabbit with glasses?


An old woman walked into a dentist's office, took off all her clothes and spread her legs. The dentist said, ''I think you have the wrong room.''
''You put in my husband's teeth last week," she replied. "Now you have to remove them."


There was a lady, who had a dog that she loved, and he followed her everywhere. One morning she woke up, went to the bathroom, came out, and realized that her dog wasn't at her feet. She found him in his bed ''sleeping''. She called his name, but he didn't get up. So she took him to the vet and told the vet that her dog wouldn't wake up. So he looked at her dog and said, ''Your dog is dead''. She asked the doctor to perform another test to be sure.


The doctor went into another room, and came back with a cage. In it there was a cat. He let the cat out, and she walked arund the dog, sniffed, and went back in her cage. The doc put the cat back in the other room. He came out and said again, ''Your dog is dead''.
She said,''Ok, how much do I owe you?''
The doctor said, ''$300''
She said, ''What! How could it cost that much?''
He said ''$15 for me to say he was dead. Then $285 for the cat scan''


A guy goes to the eye doctor. In the middle of the exam, the doctor tells him, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting my nurse and me."


A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. The teacher calls a doctor. The girl asks the doctor for a glass of cider. "Why do you want a glass of cider?" the doctor asks with a puzzled look. "To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the doctor asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."


One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.


[A COMPUTER DIAGNOSIS]
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."


A man working with an electric saw accidentally cuts off all of his fingers. At the emergency room, his doctor says, "Give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
The injured man repies, "But I don't have the fingers!"
"Why didn't you bring them?" the doctor asks.
The injured man responds, "Doc, I couldn't pick them up."


A sick patient asked his doctor, ''Flu?''
The doctor replied, ''No, I came on my bicycle actually!''


A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm horribly sick!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?"
"No, I drove here."


After an elderly couple starts getting forgetful, they visit their doctor. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes.


When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," says the husband. "I can remember a dish of ice cream." "Well, I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it," the wife replies.
"My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down."
He goes into the kitchen, and his wife hears pots and pans banging.
The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs.
She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for?"


[THE FRIDGE]
Bertha was worried about her husband George, so one day she took him to the doctor's. As the doctor called George in and looked him over, George began insisting, "There's nothing wrong with me. I know because God takes care of me." What do you mean?" asked the doctor. "Well," George responded, "when I go to the bathroom he turns the light on and off." The doctor decided he had better talk to both George and his wife, so he calls Bertha into the room and begins to explain, "George says God turns the light on and off for him when he goes to the bathroom. Is it true that --" "DAMMIT, George!" Bertha bursts out, "How many times do I have to tell you not to piss in the fridge?"


[GRANNY WITH GAS]
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."
The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."


A woman goes to the gynecologist for an exam. She puts her feet into the stirrups and the doctor begins his exam.
After a moment, he says, "You have an unusually deep vagina."
The woman replies, "You don't have to say it twice."
The doctor says, "I didn't."


Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
A: Wet noses.


Why did the gynecologist go to the eye doctor?
Because things were looking a little fuzzy.


Dermatologist: Good News my dear, after looking through your test results I'm happy to report you will no longer be plagued by pimples.
Girl: Wow! That's great! Why?
Dermatologist: There's no more space.


An army doctor visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"


Q: Why did the cat go to the hospital?
A: To have a CAT scan done.


A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."


A distraught woman goes to her gynecologist. When the doctor asks her what is wrong, she says, "Remember the hormones you gave me? Well, look what happened!"
She unbuttons her blouse and reveals her chest, completely covered with hair. The doctor is aghast. He says, "I've never seen anything like this. How far down does it go?"
She says, "All the way down to my penis! And that's the other thing we have to talk about!"


[Beyond Impotent]
A woman tells her doctor, "My husband is 300% impotent.
The doctor asks her, "I'm not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?"
She replies, "Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger."


Q: Why did Santa have go to the doctor to have his balls removed?
A: Because he'd carried his sack over his shoulders one too many times.

Q: Why did the cookie go to the doctor's office?
A: It was feeling crummy.

Q: What do you call a nurse with dirty knees?
A: The head nurse.


A lady with a frog stuck to her head went to the doctor's office.
When the doctor asked her what was wrong, the frog replied, "I've got something stuck to my ass!"


[A Few Good Lawyers]
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"


Q: How do crabs leave the hospital?
A: On crutches.

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the doctor's dance?
A: He had no body to go with.

Q: What kind of dog hears voices?
A: A Shih-Tzu-Phrenic.


[Male & Female Brains]
One day a group of husbands and wives went to a scientific program. The doctor there was showing them brains from real peopleand telling how expensive it would be to buy one. He said it was five million dollars for a female brain and ten million dollars for a male brain. The men snickered, thinking they knew why. One of the women said, ''Well, why is that, sir?'' The doctor answered, "The men's brains cost more, for they have never been used."


[The Heart Of The Matter]
A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a laywer. It's never been used."


An old woman goes to the doctor's office. The doctor gives her a checkup and says, "I need to do stool, blood and urine tests."
The woman says, "Well, can I just leave my underwear? Bingo starts in half an hour."


[Medicinal Marijuana]
Why can't you shoot up marijuana?
Because you'll get a budclot!


[Laughter Is the Best Medicine]
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine.
I guess that was why several of us died of tuberculosis.


[The Cure for Mutes]
One day two deaf-mutes meet on the street. They had been friends in school but had lost touch over time. They used sign language to catch up on old times. Through the course of conversation one of the deaf-mutes learned the other had learned to speak and was no longer mute. This amazed the fellow that was still mute and he asked about the procedure. His friend gave him the doctor's card and went on his way. The deaf mute wasted no time and went straight to the doctor's office. The doctor informed the procedure took 26 days and cost one million dollars. The man handed the doc his insurance card and begged the doctor to start the treatment that day. The doctor had the man strip and lay over the examination table. The doctor went to his closet and took out a bucket of mayonnaise and a broom handle with a door knob on the end. The doc got a running start and shoved the mayonaise covered door knob up the deaf-mute's ass. The mute screamed,"AY!AY!AY!" The doctor said,"very good we will work on the B's tomorrow."


"Doctor, doctor! I need glasses!"
"You certainly do, ma'am. This is a barber shop."


[The Newlyweds and the Doorknob]
A newlywed couple arrives in their sumptuous honeymoon suite, and it turns out they are both virgins. Brought up the old traditional way, neither of them really knows how to have sex. So after about half a painful hour of abortive attempts to get it on, an idea occurs to the husband. ''OK, honey,'' he says, ''this is what we'll do. I'll go into the closet and you go into the bathroom. We'll both get undressed and turn off the lights in the bedroom. And then on the count of three we'll both rush out at each other and then it will just happen in the middle of the bedroom.'' The wife is a bit unsure about this, but since she doesn't have any better ideas she agrees.
So, the husband goes into the closet and the wife goes into the bathroom and they both get undressed. The anticipation is driving the husband mad and as he takes off his clothes he gets an enormous erection. The wife turns off the lights and on the count of three they both rush into the bedroom towards each other. But since the room is dark the husband gets disoriented and runs by his wife — right into the dresser. He hits the dresser so hard that he passes out from the pain.
The next thing he remembers is coming to in a hosital bed, with a doctor looking down at him. His throbbing dick is still so painful that he moans to the doctor, ''Doc, doc, how bad is it?''
''That's nothing, son. Wait till you see your wife! We still haven't gotten her off the doorknob.''


[Hillbilly Newlyweds]
A newly married hillbilly couple decided they wanted children, but didn't know how to go about it. Questions and conversations with friends and relatives proved no help, until a neighbor said they should go to town and ask the Big City Doctor. The doctor let them look at a child's book about where babies came from, but to no avail. He tried his own explanation but was met with blank stares. Exasperated, he took them to his private office, and showed them a porno movie. This was also useless. Angrily, he ordered the girl to strip, told the man to watch, and had sex with her on the couch.
''Now, do you understand?'' he asked.
''I just have one question. How many times a week do I have to bring her in for this?''


A man went to the doctor to get a physical. After the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news: He had cancer and Alzheimer's.
The man replied, '"Well, at least I don't have cancer."


A guy is in the hospital with two broken legs. The nurse comes in and tells him that there's good news and bad news.
The guy asks for the bad news first.
The nurse says, "We're going to have to remove your legs."
Then the guy asks for the good news.
The nurse says, "The guy beside you offers to buy your sneakers."


Did you hear that nursing homes are starting to give Viagra to the old men living there? It's to keep them from rolling out of bed.


Q: Why does a blonde nurse carry around a red pen?
A: To draw blood.

Q: How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twelve. One to do it, one to chart it and ten to write the policy and procedure.

Q: How many doctors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty. One primary care physican to change it and 19 specialists to take it apart and look at it under a microscope.


Nurse: Doctor, Doctor, there's an invisible man in the waiting room!
Doctor: Well, go in there and tell him I can't see him!!

Did you hear about the army nurse who went to bed eating popcorn?
She woke up with a kernel between her legs.


Q: What's green and eats nuts?
A: Syphilis


A guy goes to the psychiatrist wearing shorts made of clear plastic wrap. The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."


[Ladies At the Doctor's Office]
Ladies, what's the first thing we do when they put us in the room and tell us to get undressed? Look around and say, 'Now where am I gonna hide my panties?' Don't you roll them up and stick them in your purse? Or you tuck them down in your shoe? I hid mine so well the other day, I still can't find them.


A woman walks into her doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I need to lose weight fast." The doctor replies, "Instead of putting food in your mouth, try putting it up your butt."


Two months later, she comes in and says, "Doctor, it's a dream come true. I'm half the size I was." But the doctor notices that she is bouncing up and down. He asks, "Where did you get this twitch?" The woman replies, "I don't have a nervous twitch; I'm chewing bubble gum."


A blonde told her doctor that she was really worried because every part of her body hurt.
The doctor looked concerned and said, "Show me where."
The blonde touched her own arm and screamed, "Ouch!"
Then she touched her leg and screamed, "Ouch!"
She touched her nose and cried, "Ouch!"
She looked at her doctor and said, "See? It hurts everywhere!"
The doctor laughed and said, "Don't worry; it's not serious. You've just got a broken index finger."


[The Painter's Eyesight]
A world famous painter started losing her eyesight in the prime of her career.
After several surgeries and weeks of therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter decided to show her gratitude to her surgeon by painting a mural with pairs of eyes in every shade and shape in his office.
When she finished, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art. One reporter asked the doctor, "What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office?"
"Thank God I'm not a gynecologist."


Show me a man that thinks baseball is the national pastime and I'll show you a man who never played doctor when he was a kid!


A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said, "Don't move -- I'll be right back." When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?" Then the man said, "I hiccupped."


Woman: Can I get Viagra here?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Woman: Can I get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: If you give me two of them, you can.


A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor and told him, "The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
The doctor asked her, "What about the other ear?"
She replied, "They called back."