How to Tell if your Child is Doing Drugs

Many parents today are concerned that their offspring might somehow be involved in the world of illegal pharmaceuticals, or "drugs". This is a healthy concern. Knowing your kids are "high" is the first step toward helping them avoid problems with their health, their grades, the law, and getting those hard-to-clean vomit stains out of the Oriental rug.


KNOW THE WARNING SIGNS- select the option which best describes your child.


1. Your child's idea of a fun sport to play is:


A) tossing a pigskin ball around


B) throwing an orange rubber ball into a netted hole


C) inserting a pointy needle into a vein and mixing foreign substances into the human bloodstream.


2. Your child's idea of a responsible adult is:


A) Bill Clinton


B) Tom Hanks


C) Charles Manson.


3. Your child's favourite hobbies include:


A) Model Rocketry


B) Baseball


C) Taking white, powdery substances from a big bag and breaking it down into many smaller bags.


4. Your child's pet is:


A) a puppy dog


B) a 16' python


C) a colony of imaginary bugs and spiders that crawl under their skin.


5. Your child's breath smells like:


A) a fresh, minty mountain top


B) lunch


C) an opium den.


6. When your young ones dress up to go out, they look like:


A) Fred and Ginger


B) Regis and Kathy Lee


C) Sid and Nancy


7. Your child would identify Tijuana Gold as:


A) a precious metal


B) a Mexican theme park


C) a good deal, but not as potent as the stuff from Thailand.


8. When you ask your child how their day at school was at the dinner table they answer:


A) they scored a goal for their soccer team


B) they got the highest grade in class on a math test


C) they scored a dime bag and got high.


Total up the number of times you answered "C" to the questions above and consult the table below.


no "C's" - Chances are your child is not on drugs. They probably aren't that exciting either. Kick them out of the house and force them to live on the cold streets for a few months to let them really appreciate life in all it's murkiness.


1-3 "C's" - Your child might be on drugs, but you can't be certain. Put a flashlight up to their face and flash it in their eyes. This doesn't really tell you anything, but it scares the pants off your kids and is kind of fun.


3-6 "C's" - You may as well face it, you've got a little druggie on your hands. Your child is a menace to society and must be dealt with accordingly. We suggest a good flaying to help them kick their nasty habit. Confiscate all their stash and send it to Ooze.


7-8 "C's"- Your child has never used drugs. No sir. Just smile nicely at them and slink out of the house. Never return.