Demetri Martin Quotes 2

"Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?"


"Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral."


"They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What's his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time."


"Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown."


"One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?? ...or Carnival?? ...Carburetor!?!? Man...


"The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades."


"About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Dang! I am less nurturing than a desert."


"I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word 'fortnight.'"


"I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'"


"I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. 'Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here?'"


"I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, 'Here's to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do... but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'"