Young priest before his first moss

I apologize in advance for bad grammar.

A young priest was very nervous before his first Mass, so he asked the bishop what to do.
He advised him to drink a glass of water just before the Mass, in which he should put two drops of vodka for relaxation. The young priest drank the water with vodka, relaxed and had his first Mass. After the Mass there was a message from the Bishop waiting for him:

Dear pastor, I advised you two drops of vodka in a glass of water and not vice versa. Just so you know for the next time, it would be good if you take into account a few of my suggestions so the awkwardness from todays Mass doesn't reoccur:

1. There is no need to put a piece of lemon on the edge of the chalice.
2. The cupboard beside the altar is a confessional and not the toilet.
3. Do not lean on the statue of the Virgin Mary, nor Embrace or kiss it.
4. There are Ten Commandments and not twelve.
5. There are twelve Apostles and not seven, and none of them is a dwarf.
6. Jesus and his disciples are not called J. C. & Company.
7. David defeated Goliath with a slingshot and a stone, not by fucking him up and smashing his brain.
8. Judas is not called son of a bitch.
9. The Pope can't be called El Padrino.
10. Osama Bin Laden had nothing to do with Jesus' crucifixion.
11. Blessed water is intended solely and only for blessing and not to refresh your armpits.
12. When you pray, do not sit in front of the altar, and do not place your legs on the Bible.
13. Sacramental bread is not a snack that goes with wine, but is intended for believers.
14. Sinners go to hell and not go fuck themselves.
15. Invitation to a dance generally isn't a bad idea, but a wild polka through the church, however, is inappropriate.
16. That person in the pink dress next to the Choir, you called gay and a transvestite, that was me.