(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)
Barack Obama said that in 2016 voters want “That new car smell.” Which is bad news for Chris Christie, because she smells like the backseat of an abandoned PT Cruiser.
In Washington state, city bus drivers complained that lack of restroom access forced them to wear adult diapers, and urinate on the seats. Making them indistinguishable from city bus passengers.
In New York, a parking enforcement officer was arrested after he offered to “fix” a young woman’s parking ticket in exchange for sexual favors. But don’t worry, the judge offered to dismiss the case if he sent her a naked selfie.
In Pennsylvania, a public Christmas tree was taken down because residents complained it was too ugly. The ugly tree was replaced by a very attractive lump of coal.
In Los Angeles, a bighorn sheep that escaped from the zoo died after it was hit by a car. Luckily the driver’s quick reaction time allowed them to snap a photo of the sheep as it was being hit.
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