(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)
Joe Biden’s son has been discharged from the Navy after testing positive for cocaine. Joe Biden contacted his son immediately and asked, “Do you have any left!?!”
New York has selected yogurt as the state’s official snack. Governor Cuomo made the decision after riding on the New York subway, and sitting in a substance that he assumed was yogurt.
In Illinois, a cow that is 6 feet, 4 inches tall, has been declared the world’s tallest. I don’t want to get your hopes up, but this could be the cow that can actually jump over the moon.
Starbucks has announced the “Starbucks for Life” contest, which will give winners a free cup of coffee every single day for thirty years. You probably won’t be dead in thirty years, but after they take away your free coffee, you’ll sure wish you were.
President Obama is considering appointing an “Ebola Czar.” It’s the first government job that requires a three-piece hazmat suit.
In Chicago, a man on the run from police tried to escape by blending into the Chicago Marathon. Police picked the man out easily, because he was the only runner who wasn’t from Kenya.
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