I have three really great story jokes that I rely on to break the ice with a new group of people. It always works. At the very worst, you will get some groaning chuckles. Make sure you read each of the jokes to the finish! The payoff is great.
There's this guy named Bob. Bob has terrible OCD. Bob also has a terrible desire to own a brick patio. His OCD prevents him from trusting anyone else to make the plan for his patio, so he sets to work for hours drawing up the perfect plan, measuring it out down to the last brick. Finishing his plan, he finds that he will need exactly 99 bricks to build his patio. So he calls up Acme Bricks and says, "I need exactly 99 bricks!"
"Well, sir, we only sell bricks in palettes of 100. We don't sell them in any other amounts. Is that okay?"
"Oh no, no no no. That won't do. I need 99 bricks. I'm not going to use that extra brick. What am I supposed to do with an extra brick? It has to be exactly 99 bricks."
"Well, sir, what if you break a brick while you're working? It will be good to have a spare."
"Believe me, lady, I won't break a brick. I'm careful. I need 99 bricks."
At this point the lady is becoming impatient and just wants to sell him the palette, so she says, "I'll tell you what, sir. If you finish building your patio and you still have that brick left over you can send it back to us for a refund."
"Deal," says Bob! A week passes and the 100-brick palette arrives. Bob immediately sets to work laying each brick, meticulously measuring everything, gingerly handling each brick. Hours later, Bob has a beautiful new patio, but just as he said, he is left with one extra brick. Bob calls up Acme Bricks. "Listen, I got one brick left and I was told I could get a refund!"
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't offer refunds." After much back and forth, Bob eventually is forced to give up his hope of a refund. And so it came to be that he couldn't return the one brick. That one singular red brick.
Bob sits the brick on the kitchen counter and has a bite to eat. As he washes the dishes he finds that he can't take his eyes off the brick, and as a result he has accidentally been using a fork to wash his plate. Angered by this, he grabs the brick and runs into the living room, placing the brick on the coffee table. He goes back to washing dishes in peace. Later, he is sitting in the living room watching Wheel of Fortune, but he can't seem to guess any of the phrases because all he can think about is that stupid brick staring at him from the coffee table. He grabs it and takes it to the bathroom, putting it on the back of the toilet. Later that evening, he is trying to take a whizz, and he can't even AIM for the sight of the brick on the back of the toilet. This being the last straw, he grabs the brick, runs outside, screams at the heavens and he throws the brick straight up into the air!!
**Carl the Conductor**
There was once a man named Carl. Carl always wanted to be a trolley conductor, so he went to trolley conductor school. There he studied hard and graduated at the top of his class. When he graduated he had trolley companies lining up for him to come conduct for them. Eventually he settles on the Red Trolley Company in New York City.
Years pass without incident until one day Carl accidentally ran over and killed none other than Regis Philbin. Now, as everyone knows, Regis Philbin has some exceptionally fanatical fans, and as a result Carl was placed on death row for his crime. Carl was a model inmate, never causing trouble and even starting a knitting club with the other death row inmates. As a result of this, Eugene the executioner took a liking to Carl. This made it sad for Eugene when Carl's day to be electrocuted came. Eugene decided that he would offer Carl one favor, and it could be anything, before he took the chair. Carl thought about it, and he said, "Eugene, there is one thing in this entire world that I can think of that I want right now, and it's a blueberry plucked from the depths of the Amazon rainforest. If I could have that, I can die a happy man."
Eugene dutifully climbed aboard a plane and flew to the Amazon and hiked into the heart of the Amazon rain forest where he found a beautiful glade filled with blueberries. He picked a few and returned to New York. He gave the berries to Carl, and Carl appreciatively ate them with a big smile on his face. With everything ready to go, Eugene tearfully pulled the lever and the chair zipped and zapped, but when it was finished Carl was miraculously unharmed! Given that there was no legal precedence for the situation, and given that technically Carl served out his sentence, Carl was released from prison a free man.
It took some convincing, but Carl managed to land a job at the Yellow Trolley Company in New Jersey, where he did a fantastic job conducting until one day he accidentally ran over and killed none other than Snooki. Now there aren't *many* fans of Snooki, but the ones that exist are the most rabid and vicious fans in the world, and so Carl found himself on death row again.
Eventually it came time to go to the electric chair again. A few days before the execution, he was approached by the executioner: Eugene. Eugene explained that he had been fired from his job in New York because the failure of the electric chair was blamed on him, but he had no hard feelings toward Carl. He took at as a sign that they would end up in the same place together again, and he offered Carl the same offer, and Carl had the same request. Returning from the Amazon with the blueberries, Eugene allowed Carl to eat them, and he flipped the switch again, unsure what to expect. Sure enough, Carl survived yet again, and found himself a free man.
Carl found a job at the Green Trolley Company in California. Believe it or not, he accidentally ran yet another person over. This time it was none other than the Governator himself, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Needless to say, Carl found himself facing the chair again. A few days before his execution, he was approached by his old friend Eugene the executioner, who once again was fired and once again wound up in the same place. Eugene said, "Carl, I know I'm going to regret this, but you want those berries again, don't you?" Carl nodded, and Eugene, once again, made a trip to the Amazon.
On the day of the execution, Carl had his berries and Eugene flipped the switch. To everyone's surprise but Carl and Eugene, Carl was unharmed! Just as they were about to let Carl go, Eugene stopped him and said, "Carl, listen, you owe me this. You gotta tell me how you are doing this!" Carl stopped for a moment, thought about it, and said, "Gee, Eugene. I don't know... I guess I'm just a terrible conductor."
There's this guy named Fred. Fred has an interview to get to in Japan, and he's taking an overnight flight to get there. Fred decides he's going to try to sleep on the flight so he'll be well rested and ready for the interview first thing in the morning. He boards his flight and takes his seat next to this sweet little old lady. "Ahh," he thinks, "she certainly won't be a problem." The flight takes off and, Fred leans back, closing his eyes, drifting off to sleep...
*YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP* Fred starts awake and looks around for the source of the sound. He notices that the old lady has carried a small dog onto the plane in her purse! "Listen lady, I'm trying to get some sleep over here. I have a very important interview in the morning!" The lady apologizes profusely and hushes the dog. Fred drifts back to sleep...
Fred is skipping nude through fields of daisy, dancing with the woodland creatures. A dog comes to join the dance. It looks at him. It opens its mouth. *YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP* Fred groans, waking up, and looks at the old lady sternly. "I told you, I have to get my sleep! Shut the dog up or I'll shut him up!" The lady hushes the dog, and Fred dozes back off...
Fred is at a French cafe on the waterfront, having a romantic dinner with his favorite supermodel. He leans in for a ki-- *YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP YAP* Fred wakes up! He reaches over and grabs the little mutt and runs to the door of the plane. He opens the door and throws the dog out! Returning to his seat, he tells the crying old woman that he will buy her a new dog when they get to Japan. After a little bit, the man falls asleep again...
He's back in high school... he's in the cafeteria... everyone is shouting "Look! Look!" and he realizes he's completely naked! He wakes up and sees everyone gathered around a window shouting "Look! Look!" Fred pushes to the front and looks out the window, wondering what they could be seeing... he finally gets a glimpse: It's the brick!
See, didn't I tell you it would all pay off!? I love these jokes. Sorry for the wasted time! Now go use them to waste someone else's!
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