The World Tour

A wealthy man and his wife had been wanting to go on a world tour for a long time, with the only thing preventing them from doing so being the wife's devotion to their cat, Mittens. She simply could not bear the thought of being away from Mittens for a couple of months while they go and visit all the places in the world that they hadn't seen before.

Being wealthy, the husband came up with a plan. He employed a butler and made sure that the good man was a cat lover and instructed him to spend as much time as possible with Mittens to gain its trust. James the butler soon settled into the household and despite quite obviously not being the most intelligent, he performed his duties very well and did his part to give Mittens lots of attention and treats so that before too long the cat was quite fond of him.

Eventually the husband approached his wife and broached the subject of the two of them going on their long awaited world tour. At first the wife wouldn't hear a word of it, but he kept pointing out to her how fond Mittens had become of James and how attentive he was to the cat and telling her that James could phone them every morning and evening with a report on Mittens' well-being. Eventually he wore her down and she agreed that they could go on the trip.

For weeks before they were due to set off the wife drove James crazy with lists of instructions on how he should take care of Mittens, with daily schedules, when and how she should receive her favourite treats, down to the last detail.

Finally the day of their departure arrived. Just before they were about to leave the husband called James aside and said to him: Now remember, James, madam is extremely fond of Mittens, so you must please do your utmost to keep Mittens safe and happy. But please, just in case - heaven forbid - Mittens does pass away while we are away - Mittens is quite an old kitty by now after all - please, please don't just phone us and tell us that Mittens has died, because it will be the end of our trip and ruin our holiday that I have waited for so long. Rather, what you must do when you phone is to say, "Mittens is on the roof, and she won't come down", then I will know what has happened and I will slowly over the next few days prepare my wife and try and finish off our holiday as quickly as possible without completely ruining it. Do you understand, James?

To the husband's huge relief James confirmed: Yes sir, I understand, if Mittens dies, I must phone and say "Mittens is on the roof and she won't come down", and you will know what's happened.

At long last they set off on their long awaited trip. They visited every place that they had ever only seen in movies and books and travelled from country to country, visiting all the tourist sites, throughout Europe, across the Middle East, throughout Asia; they even went on safari in Africa. They were having a wonderful time. Twice a day James would phone and confirm that all was well with Mittens and the wife found that despite all her fears she was actually enjoying the trip.

Until one morning, when the phone rang as usual.

As usual the wife rushed to the phone to get the latest news of her beloved Mittens.

Sure enough, it was James calling, to tell her, "Madam, your mother is on the roof and she won't come down."