The Top 20 Things Overheard During Jessica Simpson's Thanksgiving Holiday

20> "Why do we celebrate Turkey day, anyway? Isn't that a country in France or something?"


19> "So how did the pilgrims know to pick a day when everyone would be home from work?"


18> "Nick, you're so smart! You saved money by getting a FREE range turkey!"


17> "Put down the carving knife! Jessica has her head stuck in the turkey again!"


16> "... all breasts and thighs, and where the head should be there's nothing but stuffing! But hey, enough about Jessica -- where's the turkey?"


15> "We're having a huge ball of butter for dinner? How totally gross!"


14> "How can could the Indians eat so much food and stay skinny like that Gandhi guy?"


13> "We shouldn't eat turkeys! They should remain free to roam the plains of Africa with the kangaroos, the dinosaurs and the noble capybara!"


12> "In honor of our Native American friends, burritos for everyone!"


11> "Mom, Nick wants me to cook. Does the Yellow Pages have a section for 'people who cook Thanksgiving dinner for celebrities'?"


10> "Nick, I give up. I've hunted all morning and haven't found a single egg."


9> "I saw Spider-Man in the Macy's parade. You wouldn't believe how much weight Tobey Maguire has gained since the movie! He's huge!!"


8> "I didn't know turkey guts were made out of bread!"


7> "White meat or dark meat? Hey... it's *all* turkey meat! You can't trick me again!"


6> "Damn. I was really hoping Thanksgiving was on Friday this year."


5> "Stuff the turkey? I didn't have to -- it wasn't empty. Duh!"


4> "I'm not sure if I did the turkey right. The recipe said to rub olive oil all over the breast, but all that did was make my bra sticky."


3> "It's a melted Snickers bar. I made *candied* yams this year."


2> "Hey, look! If you open *both* ends of the cranberry sauce can, two people can eat it at the same time!"


1> "You want me to do WHAT with the gerblets?"


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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]