The Top 18 Signs It's Time for Your Rock Band to Retire

18> No longer able to "Rock and Roll All Night" without an entire case of Viagra.


17> Ever since Strom left the band for a career in politics, the sound just hasn't been the same.


16> Your lead guitarist switches to Heroin P.M. so that those after-concert parties don't keep him awake all night.


15> You're still considered a hair band, but now it's because of your ears and noses.


14> Instead of saying "Good night, Cleveland!" at the end of your set, you scream, "Honey! It's time for my sponge bath!"


13> "I'm sorry, Mr. Hanson, but it seems you've hit puberty."


12> Then: You freaked out on-stage because of the drugs you took.


Now: You freak out on-stage because of the drugs you *forgot* to take.


11> "Shooting up" didn't used to involve an enema.


10> Old band logo: picture of giant red lips.


Current band logo: picture of giant sagging man-boobs.


9> Biting the head off a bat now requires corporate sponsorship from Super Poly-Grip.


8> The only people making bootleg tapes at your concerts are from the Smithsonian.


7> Your songs are blocked from Napster -- not by your record company's request, but because they suck.


6> Then: You instructed security to screen the crowd for sweet young things willing to put out for the band.


Now: You instruct security to screen the crowd for sweet young things who are willing to to pre-chew all those green M&M's for the band.


5> You stop outdoor concerts to take a garden hose to the young hooligans who won't get off the lawn.


4> The band refuses to make a video because they're convinced that the cameras will steal their souls.


3> Bad: Your groupies drag their oxygen tanks to the stage to admire your alligator-skin pants.


Worse: You forgot to put on any pants.


2> Nowadays when your fans throw their panties on stage, it looks like the Fifth Airborne parachuting into Normandy.


1> The hot babe in the first row just lifted her skirt -- to show you her breasts.


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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]