The Top 17 Ways We Can Stick It to the Oil Companies

17> No longer let the car idle overnight to keep the air conditioning running running for that cool morning drive.16> Start a war against the Netherlands. Seize control of their windmills.15> Instead of a gas-guzzling SUV, use a wagon pulled by a team of Iraqi prisoners.14> Join together hand-in-hand in a circle and sing Kumbaya while facilitating a massive urine spill in the CEO's pool.13> Deploy a billion Biore strips over the Middle East.12> Call up the oil company. Ask if they have Sheik Akbar in a can. Laugh maniacally. Repeat.11> Next time, go to war for oil instead of for WMDs... I mean to overthrow a dictator... er, to spread freedom... um, to protect our domestic safety.10> Convert Air Force One to run on embryonic stem cells.9> Leave the Chrysler GuzzlingBehemoth in the garage and walk your soccer-mom ass to the corner store for those Funyuns.8> Defile their daughters with your demon seed.7> Get everyone you know to eat beans, then go to ExxonMobil headquarters and demonstrate the viability of wind and methane as alternative energy sources.6> Forgo the Vaseline during this year's performance appraisal.5> Don't need a penny? Take one anyway, my friend. Hell, take 'em all.4> Buy all new vehicles from Bedrock Motors.3> Start a rumor that car exhaust is warming the earth, with disastrous consequences looming; watch gas sales plummet as vehicle sizes shrink.2> Stop styling your hair. (Antonio Banderas only)1> Four words: President Ed Begley, Jr. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]