The Top 16 Things That Can Get a Guy Banned From the Men's Union

16> You catch yourself thinking, "You know, what this bed needs is a few more pillows."


15> "What do you think: a Zima or a white zinfandel?"


14> You rhapsodize about taking that chick with the great rack home from the bar for a long night of sweet cuddling and General Foods International Coffee.


13> You not only know the difference between a puff pastry and a cream puff, but your choux paste swan took first place at the county fair.


12> "Ewww, gross! Two women kissing!"


11> "You know, take away the steroids and over-the-top sideshow atmosphere from pro wrestling and it's just like ballet!"


10> Your new Martha Burke signature putter.


9> Not only can you identify Sarah Hughes and Tara Lipinski, you can articulate the logic behind the "artistic impression" scores in figure skating.


8> You turn down playoff tickets so you can watch Cher's farewell concert on TV.


7> You complain that the "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" movie was not true to the book.


6> Sure, it's the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl and you've had a lot to drink, but you can't resist commenting on how those uniforms would look a lot neater if only they'd been finished with an overedge chain rather than a two-thread lock stitch.


5> Your "Bridges of Madison County" lunch box.


4> You not only sing show tunes at karaoke, you employ full choreography.


3> You ask your barber to give you a "Richard Simmons."


2> When the guys put you in charge of "entertainment" for the bachelor party in Vegas, you buy tickets to see Celine Dion.


1> "No oral sex for me tonight, honey -- I don't feel very fresh down there."


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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]