The Top 16 Signs a Radio Talk Show Host Is on Drugs

16> Takes phone calls only if the caller agrees to do a hit of helium first.


15> Spent the last 15 minutes of yesterday's show clearing his throat.


14> His response to every caller: "Dave's not here, man."


13> Cannot refer to Eli Lilly without adding the phrase "makers of some mighty fine sh*t."


12> "Microphones! There are microphones everywhere!!"


11> Every call is screened through a rigorous "Are you a cop? You sure? You gotta say so or else it's entrapment, man!" line of questioning.


10> Claims he can do his show "with half my stash hidden under my bed just to make it fair."


9> While interviewing Barbara Bush, constantly refers to her son as George Washington and adds how much "you two dudes look alike."


8> He's talking into an iced-tea spoon.


7> Ted Nugent cuts the interview short and advises the host to "try decaf."


6> He's on a seven-second delay even when he's OFF the air.


5> Refuses to give out the show's telephone number because "The Man can trace it, dude!"


4> Takes payola only in the form of Cool Ranch Doritos.


3> Calls for drastic retaliation against Arab states for their nuking of Arizona and the poisoning of President Palmer.


2> Can't stop giggling long enough to hear what "Dick in Buffalo" has to say.


1> Begins every news segment with: "First, let's go to my beeper for a quick look at the traffic."


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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]