The Top 16 More Realistic Senior Class Award Categories

16> Most Likely to, if Not "Succeed," at Least Experience a Slower Descent Into Pathetic, Miserable Failure


15> Most Likely to Still Be Living in His Mom's Basement Well Past the Age of 30


14> First to Run Out of Pierceable Body Parts


13> Most Likely to Use the Phrase "My baby's father..." on an Episode of "Judge Judy"


12> Most Likely to Succeed, With a Little Help from His Governor-of-Florida-Brother and the Supreme Court


11> Most Likely to Go Through Four Divorces and a Personal Bankruptcy Before Finding Peace and Happiness in First the Michigan Militia and Later the Church of Scientology


10> Most Likely Facing a Lifetime of Having to Pay for Sex


9> Most Likely to Clean Puke Off the Side of Her Friend's Car With Her Shirt at a Jack in the Box at 4:00 in the Morning


8> Most Likely to Manage a Denny's and Live His Dreams Vicariously by Cursing at His 4 Year Old's T-Ball Coach


7> Biggest Purveyor of Machiavellian Clique-Based Adolescent Cruelty


6> Most Likely to Sever Tongue Licking the Inside of a Pringles Can


5> Most Likely to Have More Than One Cat Named Frodo


4> Most Likely to Lose a Lung in a Knife Fight at a Bar Over a "Friends" Trivia Question


3> Most Likely to Be Traded to "Bull" in C-Block for Three Cartons of Marlboros


2> Most Likely to Give a Cute Pet Name to His Riding Mower


1> Most Likely to Get Knocked Up While High on 'Shrooms With a Complete Stranger Behind the Port-o-San at a Phish Concert, Name the Kid "Harmony," and Open a Head Shop in Ft. Lauderdale Catering to Retired Dead-Heads


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[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]