The Top 16 Differences if Game Shows Were Hosted by Satan

16> The "Lightning Round" involves actual lightning.


15> "You still have two deathlines available. Do you want to consult the tarot or phone Hitler?"


14> When your host says, "Come on down!" he ain't kidding!


13> Always the same friggin' parting gift: The director's cut DVD of "Little Nicky."


12> Spin the wheel? Eat entrails. Daily Double? Eat entrails.


11> The "Name That Tune" orchestra is nothing but a guy playing a golden fiddle.


10> A true "Daily Double" involves betting your soul *and* having Richard Simmons as your roommate in hell.


9> Their own having been rendered useless from repeated poker-stabbings, contestants always eager to buy a bowel.


8> Door #1: Hellfire and damnation.


Door #2: Eternal plagues and pestilence.


Door #3: Room full of telemarketers with your number on speed dial.


7> Wrong answer? Pitchfork in the ass!


6> "Okay, ladies, here's your question: What did your husbands say when our hellhounds ripped off and ate their testicles?"


5> "Wheel! Of! Misfortune! And now, your host... Paaaaaaaat Satanjak!"


4> "I'll take 'No Matter What You Answer, You'll Suffer in Hell for All Eternity' for $100, master."


3> "You can keep the cattle prod in your rectum or trade it for what's behind the curtain next to Pol Pot."


2> "... and the Final Jeopardy category is: 'Random Strangers Your Mom Has Fellated.'"


1> All nine Hollywood Squares are occupied by Baldwin brothers.


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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]