The Top 16 Commencement Speech Quotes

16> Bill Gates: "Hello, class of 2003. By the time I was your age, I had already started Microsoft, you losers."


15> Scott Peterson: "With a clear vision and careful planning, you can execute any plan almost perfectly. *Almost*."


14> Ben Affleck: "If you work hard, constantly strive to improve your skills, and are totally committed to achieving your goals, your life *still* won't be half as good as the life I got from a combination of good looks and incredible luck."


13> Admiral James Stockdale: "Where am I? Why am I here?"


12> Jesse Jackson: "On this day of graduation, go out and serve the nation. Celebrate your education as you search for motivation. And avoid investigations into your fornication!"


11> Larry King: "Graduates, today is one of the greatest celebrations of achievement you will experience in your life... Bananas: delicious, nutritious, and inexpensive. You can't go wrong with bananas... Say what you will about his economic theories, Milton Friedman is a consummate gentleman... When you wake up naked but for a pair of pink underpants on your head while loosely roped to a sign which reads 'ALTO,' it is time to take inventory of whom you should call 'friend.'"


10> Robert Downey, Jr.: "I'll make this short, as I'm scheduled to be caught with cocaine and heroin in my hotel room in about an hour."


9> Simon Cowell: "You have *got* to be the stupidest-looking graduates I've *ever* seen. I'm serious. You may as well just give up on life right now and go home and hang yourselves."


8> William Bennett: "Major challenges lie ahead -- but so do big payoffs. The coins invested in your education can yield a giant jackpot. Especially if you remember to double on 11, and hit on a soft 17 when the dealer has a nine or higher."


7> Hugh Hefner: "Which way to Sorority Row?"


6> Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf, the former Iraqi Minister of Information: "Glorious are your righteous futures! Your lives will be secure and bountiful! The economy is sizzling! You will find a stylish yet inexpensive apartment in a major city, your school loan debt will vanish like the cowardly American infidels did in Baghdad! And the job market is truly enormous! Each and every one of you will soon have twenty nubile corporate recruiters fighting over the privilege of performing oral sex on you in order to convince you to accept their job offers!"


5> George W. Bush: "If you don't think the economy is good, then last year's graduates have already won."


4> Samuel L. Jackson: "You muthaf**kas best get yo asses out them silly-ass flat hats and get y'all some muthaf**kin' jobs."


3> Ted Williams: "Is it just me, or is it *really* cold in here?"


2> Bill Clinton: "It has been said that anything a man can imagine he can achieve. I'm here to tell you that it is true. I'm here to tell you -- yes, you -- the brunette in the third row... yes, *you*, darlin' -- I *will* achieve you.


1> Tim Robbins: [speech cancelled]


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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]