The Top 15 Signs Your Personal Hygiene Efforts Are Insufficient

15> Your head lice have constructed condos and are beginning to sell time-shares.

14> Your dog cautiously rolls his flea collar across the room to you.

13> Not only do women say they'd rather be dead than sleep with you, two actually set themselves on fire to make their point.

12> The EPA declares your pants a toxic Superfund site.

11> Neighborhood children take great joy in writing "Please wash me!" in the filth on the back of your neck.

10> Each time you shower, the terror threat level goes down one color.

9> You've been permanently banned from the local fish market.

8> When you try to head the soccer ball, it just sticks there.

7> The good news: A co-worker politely tells you there's something in your beard.

The bad news: It's a bird's nest.

6> Pamela Anderson just dumped you for the garbage man.

5> That pesky Odor-Eaters marketing department guy keeps calling, claiming you can be "the Michael Jordan of smelly feet."

4> You're awakened from a sound sleep by your cat's valiant efforts to bury you.

3> Your soap doesn't just lather, it boils.

2> You easily thwart vampires with the garlic smell emanating from your underwear.

1> Congress is currently deadlocked on allowing oil drilling in the region they've dubbed "Jim's Ass Pimple #3."

[ The Top 5 List ]

[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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