The Top 15 Reasons You Won't Be Participating in the Summer Olympics

15> Your mastery of the parallel bars doesn't include the ability to escape from behind them.14> The IOC still hasn't forgiven you for what you did in the pool at the last Olympics.13> Launching Chee-tos from your nostrils for distance, while impressive, is not considered an Olympic event outside of Arkansas.12> Fitting your gigantic ass into one of those teeny little gymnastics leotards? Impossibly high degree of difficulty.11> Your "mixed doubles" floor exercise wasn't quite what the IOC had in mind.10> Although you've mastered the forward flip from the garage roof onto a burning table of fluorescent bulbs, you're pretty sure the 10-meter platform officials will insist on water landings.9> The kind of fencing you specialize in gets you a one-way ticket to Attica, not Athens.8> Other training programs: 10 percent inspiration, 90 percent perspiration.  *Your* training program: 10 percent perspiration, 90 percent prescription.7> Your unique routine was a big crowd-pleaser at the synchronized swimming trials, but somehow the judges weren't impressed by the "golden fountain" finale.6> Your damn seeing-eye dog keeps fetching the javelin and bringing it back to you.5> You can't even climb out of the pool without Greenpeace guys showing up to push you back in.4> You have as much chance of passing the drug test as Snoop Dogg after a weekend at Tommy Chong's.3> USOC officials were actually going along with your "compete in the nude to honor the ancient Greeks" idea until that ugly baton-passing incident.2> Sure, you excel at the shot put, but only the shot-put-in-front-of-you-by-the-bartender.1> Apparently, some crusading puritan bastard slipped crystal meth onto the list of banned substances.             [  The Top 5 List   www.topfive.com  ]             [   Copyright 2004 by Chris White    ]