The Top 14 Signs the Glass Is Half Empty

14> Your uncle passed away and named you as the sole heir -- to his dotcom stock.


13> You've written some of the world's greatest slams of Carrot Top, but Carrot Top himself is probably humping a model in the back of his Escalade somewhere in Malibu right *now*.


12> Despite your thirst, you can't even drink the half that's there, due to your biohazard mask.


11> Your wife finally agrees to have cosmetic surgery -- for breast *reduction*.


10> Olsen twins' "wetland areas" are "now open for drilling," but the girls aren't interested in your tubby old ass.


9> You ask your Magic 8-Ball 1,000 questions and get the same answer 1,000 times: "Prospects look dim."


8> You finally confirmed that it's your wife, not you, who is infertile -- by impregnating your mistress.


7> Getting that Ph.D. in physics dimmed your hopes of traveling back in time to nail Lana Turner.


6> You got everyone to hate the French even more than they already did, but the U.N. still won't vote to let you invade Paris.


5> Ringo is still alive.


4> Your wife's conservatism in the bedroom seemed quaintly charming until you saw her in an ad for the "Freakbang '02" video.


3> Your grandparents admit that you have it tougher than they ever did.


2> You've found a top-notch chef just in time for the grand opening of your new restaurant, "Vive La France."


1> You drop into your escape tunnel under the palace just in time to hear Alan Jackson music coming from the other end.


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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]