The Silent Debate

Note: This is a joke best told in person by somebody who's not afraid to go all out with gesticulations and accents.

The silent debate was a yearly event that was the Super Bowl of the intellectual world. It was watched live by tens of thousands, and broadcast on countless major networks. For near a decade, it had been won by Jean-Baptiste, the undisputed master of the silent debate. This year he was being challenged by a true dark horse, Joe from Brooklyn.

The debate begins and a hush falls over the crowd. Jean-Baptiste opens by holding out a raised index finger, slowly moving it in front of him. Joe counters, doing the same with his middle and index fingers. Jean responds by repeating the gesture, this time with 3 fingers. Joe is the first to buck the trend, raising a fist in front of his face. Jean-Baptiste makes wide sweeping arcs in front of himself and to the side with his open palms. Joe grabs his right arm right around the crook of his elbow and violently thrusts his fist in front of himself again. Jean is in a tough spot, but confident. He has something incredibly profound, a move he has kept in his back pocket but never had to use up until this moment. He calmly raises his right hand and forms a circle with his thumb and forefinger. The crowd gasps, sure Joe is beat. Joe looks on, puts the backs of his hands against his cheek, and rapidly wriggles his fingers while his face jerks back and forth. Jean-Baptiste goes red in the face upon seeing this, and flees the stage. Joe has won.

After the debate reporters are everywhere taking statements from the competitors. One corners Jean-Baptiste and asks him what happened. "Well," says Jean, "I began by saying 'Singularity,' to which Joe said 'Duality.' I said 'Trinity,' and Joe said 'Power.' I tried to appeal to reason, and said 'Peace,' but he countered with 'Absolute Power.' I finally said 'Divinity.' Surely no man can argue against the divine! But he did that... thing, with such passion and self assurance, and I don't even know what he said. He counters me and I cannot even conceive of his argument. I am truly beat."

The reporters are now whipped into a frenzy; they must know what it was that Joe said. They find him backstage, already celebrating with pounding music and copious amounts of alcohol. When asked about the debate, Joe says, "Yeah alright. So this guy comes out and he says to me, he says 'I'm gonna stick my finger up your asshole.' I say 'Oh yeah? I'll stick two fingers up your asshole!' He says 'You do that and you'll be getting 3 fingers up your asshole.' I says 'Buddy, I will stick my whole damn fist up your asshole.' Now this guy says, 'Whoa whoa, back off. You can't stick your fist up my asshole.' I says 'Tough shit buddy, I'll stick my fist up your asshole all the way to my elbow.' And then he says, 'But my asshole is only *this big*' So I tells him, 'Then I guess we'll have to make it a little wider!'"