The Male Prime Directives

* On car trips with the family, never ask for directions when you're lost... Just keep driving aimlessly around, searching for the mysterious Lost Street of the Damned. Navigate by the seat of your pants like the great Lewis and Clark explorers of old.


* But it's okay to stop for directions when driving with another guy: because he won't sit patiently as you pass the same McDonald's for the third time.


* Inch forward at stoplights to keep up with the guys in the cars on both sides.: It's all about who's out in front.


* Even if you don't know a hub cap from a distributor cap, never admit you're a stranger to the male domain of auto mechanics.... If your car won't run and you're at a loss for words, try "Could be a cracked ring. Have you checked the compression?"


* A real man doesn't need the instruction sheet to figure out something as simple as programming his new VCR: but to cook something as simple as oatmeal, a guy will follow the recipe with the exactitude of a chemical engineer.


* Don't confess that you know little, and could care less, about a particular sport, especially if it's during the finals.... "Yeah, that Bo, he's really something. WOW!, did you see that hook shot!."


* Never admit you don't understand a political issue....Opinions are like whiskers. You're not an adult male without them.


* There's no need to consult the TV Guide when there's a remote control handy: Just divebomb through all 51 channels, evading commercials like flak, in the never-ending search for a suitable landing spot.


* If you spill something on the floor, clean it up with a bath towel.: It's unmanly to get down on the floor, so just slop the towel around with your feet.


* Never pay one of your buddies a compliment. Instead say things like "Where'd you get your haircut, the school for the blind?" or "Who is that awesome blonde I saw you with, and what are you going to do for a date once she meets me?"...He'll instinctively get the message that this means you value his friendship.


* A man should make as much as or more money than his girlfriend or wife. He should be as tall or taller, and at least as smart. Naturally, he should be able to outplay her in many activity, from Ping-Pong to chess: Having met these requirements, he should be liberated enough to be unconcerned about such things.


* When you're in the men's room alone you needn't wash your hands when you're finished: but if another guy is in there with you, scrub your hands as if you were preparing for brain surgery.


* Never openly display a broken heart or discuss it with other guys: That's between you, your six-pack and your collection of Frank Sinatra records.


* Don't tell another man your deepest hopes or fears.: That' s like saying, "How do you like my suit of armor" It's only got two weak spots in it -- here and here."


* Every guy should be hip about guns.: Hand an economics professor a Remington, and even if he's never been with 100 light years of a gun before, he'll work the action, sight down the barrel and generally act like a reincarnation of Daniel Boone or Rambo.


* When shopping with your mate, do not trail her into the women's lingerie department .: Stand clear of those racks of silk-and-lace panties like a mechanic would avoid the Whirling Fanblades of Death.