The Guy Rules

1. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow party goers.2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances: a) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse b) After wrecking your boss' Ferrari c) When your date is using her teeth4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.6. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time is 6 minutes.7. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.8. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. (In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach.... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.12. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.13. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.14. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.15. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.16. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.17. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! d) Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?18. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.19. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.20. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner that gives you no chance of hooking up either.