The Day the Service Died

"The Day The Service Died" Sung to the tune of "American Pie"


A long, long time ago,


I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.


And I knew if I had the chance,


they could make my modem dance


with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.


But, Help Desk phone calls made me shiver


with every busy they'd deliver.


Bad news on the front page,


A 19-hour outrage.


I can't remember if I cried


when I realized that Steve Case had lied.


But something touched me deep inside,


The day, the ser-vice died.


So, Bye-Bye to Amer'ca Online,


Drove my modem to a domain


and it's working just fine.


And good old geeks are cheering users offline.


Saying this'll be the day that they die.


This'll be the day that they die.


Did you write the book of TOS,


Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS


if an IM tells you so.


And will you believe the Motley Fool


when he tells you that the service rules,


And, can you teach me how to web real slow?


Well, I know you sold the service short,


'Cause I saw your quarterly report.


Steve Case sold off his stock,


It fell just like a rock.


It was a crazy, costly high-tech play,


as they slashed away at what subscribers pay,


And half their users went away,


the day the service died.


So, Bye-Bye to Amer'ca Online,


Drove my modem to a domain


and it's working just fine.


And good old geeks are cheering users offline.


Saying this'll be the day that they die.


This'll be the day that they die.


Well for two days we've been on our own


And dial-ins click on a rolling phone


But that's not how it used to be,


When the mogul came to Virginia court,


With an OS icon and a browser port,


And a desktop that looked like Apple III.


And while Jim Clark was looking down,


The mogul stole his thorny crown,


The browser war was turned,


Mozilla,... was spurned.


And while Steve left users out to bond,


With hosts unable to respond,


6 million newbies all were conned,


The day the service died.


So, Bye-Bye to Amer'ca Online,


Drove my modem to a domain


and it's working just fine.


And good old geeks are cheering users offline.


Saying this'll be the day that they die.


This'll be the day that they die.


Da Chronic ducked their software guards,


And stole a million credit cards,


to use accounts he'd gotten free.


And so Steve Case went to the FBI,


and he told Boardwatch* a little lie,


That hackers wanted child pornography


But while Steve Case was looking down,


The hackers pulled his e-mail down,


They put it on the net,


He can't be trusted, yet!


And while user cynicism climbs,


At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes,


they scan their e-mail for, "Good Times,"


The day the ser-vice died.


So, Bye-Bye to Amer'ca Online,


Drove my modem to a domain


and it's working just fine.


And good old geeks are cheering users offline.


Saying this'll be the day that they die.


This'll be the day that they die.


Helter-skelter billing needs a melter,


The lawyers filed a class-action shelter,


Eight million in lawyer's fees.


But it looks like some attorney jibe,


an hour if they resubscribe,


To a service marketed for free.


Well, I know you're raking in the bucks,


'Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.


"Until we bless the suit,


The settlement is moot."


"If AOL treats you like the Borg,


Then visit aolsucks.org,


Before some router pulls the cord,..."


The day the ser-vice died.


So, Bye-Bye to Amer'ca Online,


Drove my modem to a domain


and it's working just fine.


And good old geeks are cheering users offline.


Saying this'll be the day that they die.


This'll be the day that they die.


Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be,


sold off his home in Tennessee,


And headed for a 4-month end.


Was he sad or just incensed


when Case offered him his thirty cents.


Billing is the devil's only friend.


But as I read him on the page,


My hands were clenched in fists of rage,


No, "Welcome" born in hell,


could ring that chatroom bell.


And as chat freaks cried into the night,


CompuServe read their last rites.


I saw Earthlink laughing with delight,


The day the ser-vice died.


So, Bye-Bye to Amer'ca Online,


Drove my modem to a domain


and it's working just fine.


And good old geeks are cheering users offline.


Saying this'll be the day that they die.


This'll be the day that they die.


I met a girl in Lobby 9,


And I asked her if she'd stay online,


But she just frowned and looked away,


And I went back to the Member Lounge,


To see what loyalty I could scrounge.


But Room Host said the members went away,...


And on the net the modems screamed,


At faster bits and data streams.


And not a tear was spoken,


The hourly fees were broken,


And the three men that I hated most:


Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost,


They couldn't dial up the host,


The day the ser-vice died. So,


Bye-Bye to Amer'ca Online,


Drove my modem to a domain


and it's working just fine.


And good old geeks are cheering users offline.


Saying this'll be the day that they die.


This'll be the day that they die.