Season's Beatings

There's gotta be a better way to spend December. Let's face it: once you're
old enough to fall off of Santa's "List", Christmas loses some of its magic.
Actually, it loses all its magic and turns into a super-commercialized orgy of
over-eating, binge drinking, and familial Hell. But there isn't any "bah,
humbug" here... no siree! We just think the venerable holiday could use some
fresh changes, nothing big... just a couple of twists here and there. Like a new
cover of "White Christmas" sung by Robert Downey Jr. perhaps, or maybe a Ninja
Santa, or instead of giving presents, give advice. That way everyone gives and
gets. So we kindly suggest that you enact some of these new traditions in your
celebration of this holiday season. * Decorate your fireplace, tree, and house
with long fatty strips of Christmas Bacon. * Fill a pair of galoshes with
cottage cheese and leave them by the door Christmas Eve. Check back in the
morning to look for Santa's little curds-slathered footprints. * Get rid of your
Christmas Tree and invest in the new Yuletide rage... The Chia Christ! *
Decorate your nipples with frosting, sprinkles, and tinsel. * Attend Midnight
Mass and hoot "boo-yah" every time the priest mentions "the savior". * Carve
stars in pumpkins, and hide painted eggs in your yard while dressed up like
Abraham Lincoln. When your neighbors ask you what you're doing, respond, "I was
going to ask you freaks the same thing." * Dress up like an elf, go to a
playground, and collect lunch money from kids to "pay for Santa's chemotherapy".
Buy a Christmas six pack with the proceeds. * Find out exactly how many cups of
spiked eggnog it takes to get sugarplums to dance in your head. * Eat Christmas
dinner at a soup kitchen in a suit and tie and complain loudly that the service
is lousy, the creamed corn is lumpy, and someone smells like "ripe ass". *
Casually hang out at a mall dressed like Santa. When hurried parents ask you if
you're the on-duty Santa, smile and say "No. I'm John Wayne Gacy". * Get the
crap beaten out of you for showing the "Christmas Spirit" by hugging strangers
on the street. * Boil goat heads and festoon the outside of your house with
them. Suggest to neighbors that they do the same because the skulls "spook
flying reindeer". * Tell your parents you're bringing home someone special, and
then arrive with a life-sized Gingerbread Man. If you're a man, tell your folks
you're "gay for gingerbread". If you're a woman, tell them you have something
else "cooking in the oven". * Make sure all your toy-sized nativity scenes come
with spring-loaded attack sheep, kung-fu grip wise men, and shepherds that
transform into robotic tarantulas. * Christmas Morning Happy Hour at Hooters,
6am 'til Noon.