Saw the most hilarious Wall Street Craigslist Housing post.

Posted: 3 hours ago $1500 Looking for the AUTHENTIC Wall Street Summer Experience (Financial District) Looking for an apartment within a 4.5 mile radius of Wall Street. My summer internship at an elite bank and starts in late May. Don't worry about rent because you know I'm getting PAID. Must be close to Wall Street. Must be close to nightlife. I fucking tear shit up, and expect those living with me to do the same. I create systems of ALPHA-LIVING, a term I coined myself. Here is what that means:

Preferred Lifestyle: Let me just dive right into it: I work harder than everyone else, and play even harder than I work. And when I say I work hard, I mean I fucking crunch numbers until my NOSE BLEEDS. The harder I work though, the more turned up I get. My endeavors include but are not limited to: lifting weights (home gym is non-negotiable), being woken up by natural sunlight ( this means I need the bedroom facing east), watching anything on Bravo (cable or I'm out), and an in-apartment sauna and/or steam shower (Sauna MUST have some type of audio capabilities). My Russian friend taught me that business gets done there over a good steam. Release the toxins and get ready to rock this city, that's what we're going to do. Speaking of toxins, I rage. I rage hard. Have you ever heard of something called "the dragon fucking the goat"? Don't even bother looking it up--I'll show you. Those living with me have to expect two things and two things only: 1. If you bring over hot pussy, I'M GOING TO FUCK IT. I don't care if it's your girlfriend or your grandma. Bottom line: we live in a FREE COUNTRY and I use my dick when and how I want (non-negotiable) 2. I only do bottle service. If you're throwing a party, I don't even care if its a Tuesday night, there has to be bottles and models. Swedish Vaska is welcomed and non-negotiable.

Preferred Roommates: Male preferred but open to females if they understand that things will likely get sexual EXTREMELY QUICKLY and that is entirely out of my control. Roommates must come from a top-tiered Ivy, and be able to pull 2-3 females on a given night (without prior warning) . If you can recite the Dow Jones 30 in order of market cap, we're cool. If you know what LIBOR was today, we're cool. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I suggest you GET A LIFE because that level of knowledge is non-negotiable from my end. I fucking breed greatness and expect something a bit under that from those in my living vicinity ( non-negotiable). This may come as something of a surprise, but I also enjoy doing puzzles. I hope you're into that too cuz I've got some great ones I can bring. Another thing, I DON'T FUCKING SHARE MY WSJ WITH PEOPLE. In college some douche stole it from my steps every morning and I better not see you anywhere near it. And don't ask me for my subscription passwords. I won't share them because I pay for that shit so I can be better than you, not so we can hold hands and skip through a fucking meadow while we read it together. You should know The Game already so don't bother asking me. If you believe anything other than Capitalism, GTFO. Seriously. (Only exceptions is playing Drake's "Started from the Bottom."...but sparingly. If you didn't laugh at that, GTFO) On that note, rap to chill and DUBSTEP FOR PARTYING. If you play anything else I'm going to smash whatever stereo or pussy IPOD DOCK you have ( I don't give two fucks whether its got warranty or not.)

Preferred recreational activities: It should be obvious by now that I work out and that I get huge while I do it. If you are upset by any noises I make while I throw weight up, then buy earplugs. By the way, If I need a spotter, I don't give a fuck who's sleeping...someone is GOING TO SPOT. The last rep is what separates the pussies from the alphas. I also read a lot, but never fiction (if it's not real, then why would you ever read it? It's just something that someone made up in their mind? Holy fuck that's useless). If I see some hipster bullshit like Kurt Vonnegut sitting around I will literally shit in your PILLOW CASE. Don't even tell me you fucking visited the Upper West Side. I go through 2 cases of Montecristo No 2. (straight from the fucking island--UPS requires a fucking signature, so if you're home just do it. ) every week. If you smoke my Cubans, then you'll either pay me cash ( with minimum 10% interest + risk premium which is non-negotiable) on the spot or we're going to have a big problem. I don't lift weights to look pretty, I do it to protect my fucking shit so expect that I will smash your face if you touch my stuff including CUBANs. My alcohol policy is simple: Johnny Walker Red Label. You bring that black label shit and you're GTFO.

As you can see, for the most part I'm a pretty laid back guy. I will be chill if you are chill but that means following my rules which I've laid out here and AREN'T COMPLICATED. If you got rules of your own feel free to send them to me, although that shit will probably go directly to my SPAM folder ( it's not that I don't have respect for your rules, but they're not as good as mine because these are tried and true and my system works and is therefore non-negotiable).

Those interests should include: LinkedIn profiles, a minimum of one story about your wildest fucking night in college ( USE REAL NAMES), and a picture of the hottest chick you've gotten with (NON-NEGOTIABLE and tits are a major PLUS). I will provide the same but only if I approve of yours so they had better be good and photoshopping WILL BE SNIFFED OUT (this is not some weird pervy thing but just to make sure you're as serious about this as I am).

By the end of the summer, everyone will fucking know who we are (non-negotiable).

do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers