Rodney Dangerfield One-Liners

I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy,
I would have had nothing to play with.


A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on
over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.


If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.


During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.
Just the other night she called me from a hotel.


One day as I came home early from work.... I saw a guy
jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."


I was such an ugly kid... When I played in the sandbox the
cat kept covering me up.


I'm so ugly... My father carries around the picture of the
kid who came with his wallet.


When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting
room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything
we could ... but he pulled through."


I'm so ugly... My mother had morning sickness - after I was born.


I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him
to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think
we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid ...
there are so many places they can hide."


My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.


I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop and people kept
asking how big I'd get.


I went to see my doctor "Doctor, every morning when I get
up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up.
What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your
eyesight is perfect."