Republicans

You may be a republican if:


- You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.


- You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"


- You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if
people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.


- You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or
ethnic minority here) friend"


- You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed
to welfare.


- You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.


- You think Huey Newton is a cookie.


- The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because
heck, they're richer than you.


- You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.


- You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.


- You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."


- You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.


- You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the
sons of bitches."


- You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."


- You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."


- You answer to "The Man."


- You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you
watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.


- You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."


- You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse
Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."


- You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.


- You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western
values."


- When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."


- You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."


- You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.


- You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever
attacks your home.


- Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.


- You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of
racism in America.


- You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.


- You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."


- You've ever called education a luxury.


- You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.


- You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.


- You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.


- You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.


- You're afraid of the liberal media."


- You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition
dictates...."


- You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash
can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to
society."


- You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their
bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.


- You confuse Lenin with Lennon.