My Italian Grandfather's Trip to Italy

Let me tell you a story about my Italian grandfather and a trip he took to visit his hometown in Malta. It's easier to understand if you remember he has a thick Italian accent, which I'll try to type phonetically.

"So one-a day I'm-a decide I go back to visit my hometown-a Malta. I get on de plane, I fly into Italy, I take-a da bus to de hotel, I check into da hotel and I fall asleep.

De next day, I wake uppa with a very hunger and I go down to de hotel rest-a-raunt. I order big-a breakfast, I order me three eggs, three bacons, and two pisses toast. De waiter he came, he put down de plate, and de plate has-a de three eggs, de three bacons, but only one piss toast. I say to waiter, "What-a happen here? I order breakfast and I want two piss." The waiter say, "you should go to de restroom," and I say, "no, I mean I want-a two piss on de plate." De waiter say "you better not piss on de plate you sonnamabitch!" I not know this man two minutes, he call-a me de sonnamabitch.

Anyway, I leave that restaurant and I go have a wonderful time in de city. That night, I am de very hungry again and I go to de different restaurant and I order a big-a plate-a de spaghetti and meatballs and a bottle-a de red wine. De waiter, he bring me a knife, and a spoon, but no fock. How-a I supposed to eat-a my spaghettis and I have-a no fock? I tell de waiter, "I can't eat yet, I need a fock." De waiter, he says, "Malta has-a many prostitutes," and I say to him, "no, no, I mean, I want-a fock on de table," and he says to me, "you betta not fock on de table, you sonnamabitch!" Again, a waiter call me a sonnamabitch!

Anyway, now I am tired of Italy and I decide I'm-a going to go to bed. I get up to my room, and the housekeepings have been, and they change-a de linens, and I have a blanket, and a pillow, but no sheeit. I call the front desk, and I-a say to de man, "I need a sheeit." He say, "there is bathroom in your suite, go there," and I say, "no, you no understand, I wanna sheeit on de bed," and he say, "you better not sheeit on de bed, you sonnamabitch!"

That's it! I have-a had it with Italy. I pack-a my bags, I go down to check out. The girl at de front desk very kind to me, but as she hand me my receipt, she say, "Peace on you." I say "Piss on you too, you sonnamabitch, I'm-a go back to America!"

TL;DR: accents are funny