My Dearest Wife

To My Dearest Wife,


During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:


We will wake the kids - 54 times


It's too late - 15 times


I'm too tired - 42 times


It's too early - 12 times


It's too hot - 18 times


Pretending to be asleep - 31 times


The neighbors will hear - 9 times


Headache or backache - 26 times


Sunburn - 10 times


Your mother will hear us - 9 times


Not in the mood - 21 times


Watching the late show - 17 times


Too sore - 26 times


New hairdo - 6 times


Wrong time of the month - 14 times


You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times


Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve


this, shall we??Love, Your Hubby


**********************


To My Dearest Husband,


I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:


Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times


Did not come home at all - 36 times


Did not come - 21 times


Came too soon - 38 times


Went soft before you got it in - 19 times


Cramps in your leg - 16 times


Working too late - 33 times


You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times


Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times


You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times


You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times


You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times


You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times


Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times


The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?"


Love, Your Wife