My Dad sent me this email titled "Politically Correct Jokes"

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Tippex.
I woke this morning with a huge correction.



The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers .......
So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy



My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the 60's group The Monkees.
I thought she was joking ........ and then I saw her face



I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting " paedo " and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.

It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.



My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of Swan Vesta's, his little face lit up when he tried to walk..

Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.



Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.


Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!



Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?'

I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'
She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'



Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.



I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'



Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!'
Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.