More quotes

"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? 'Don't eat pork. God
has spoken.' Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to
outsmart everybody?" --Jon Stewart


"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how
to swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to
swim.' " --Paula Poundstone


"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up
quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is
the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson


"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we
should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants
to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger


"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary
and they would only play with each other." --Rita Rudner


"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on
the pumpkin." --Winston Spear


"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I
actually bought a congressman." --Bruce Baum


"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me
advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there." --Ron
Richards


"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They
always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I
think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her."
--Ellen DeGeneres


"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what
to feed it." --Steven Wright


"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color,
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry
Seinfeld


"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' " --Richard Jeni


"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway
through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be
eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery