LOTS of Music Riddles

Q: How do you get two piccolos to play a perfect unison? A: Shoot one. Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion? A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe. . Q: What do you call an oboist who is deaf? A: Principal. Q: How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but he gyrates so much he'll fall off the ladder. Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline? A: You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline. Q: What do a clarinet and a lawsuit have in common? A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. Q: What's the definition of a nerd? A: Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? A: Gifted. Q: What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? A: You can tune the lawnmower.Q: If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions: an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? A: The out-of-tune tenor sax player! The other two are just hallucinations.Q: How do you make a chain saw sound like a bari-sax? A: Add vibrato. Q: How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? A: Put your hand in the bell and miss lots of notes. Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for leaks and alignment problems. Q: What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post? A: A goal post that can't march. Q: How many hornists does it take to play split lead? A: One.Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trombonist in the road? A: Skid marks in front of the snake. Q: How can you tell a trombonist's kids at a playground? A: They don't know how to use the slide. Q: How many bass trombone players does it take to change a light bulb? A: One, but he's going to do it too loud. Q: How do you contact a baritone player? A: You-phone-`em. Q: What's the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm. Q: What's the difference between a 3/4 tuba and a 5/4 tuba? A: About five yards. Q: What's a tuba for? A: 1 1/2" X 3 1/2". Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? A: A drummerQ: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. (They have machines to do that now.) Q: How can you tell if a drummer is knocking on your door? A: He rushes. Q: What do you call a drummer without a girlfriend? A: Homeless. Q: What's the difference between a drummer and government bonds? A: The bonds mature. Q: What did the timpanist get on his I.Q. test? A: Drool. Q: What's the definition of a quarter-tone? A: A harpist tuning unison strings. Q: Why are pianists' fingers like lightening? A: They rarely strike the same spot twice. Q: How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? A: The bow is moving. Q: Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? A: Both are offensive AND inaccurate. Q: Why are violins smaller than violas? A: They're really the same size. Violinists' heads are larger.Q: What do you do if you're short a violinist? A: Have a percussionist drag his fingernails across a chalkboard. Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola? A: Sit in the back and don't play. Q: What do violists use for birth control? A: Their personalities. Q: How do you know if a viola section is at your front door? A: No one knows when to come in.Q: What's the difference between a violist and a dog? A: The dog knows when to stop scratching. Q: What do a bad airplane mechanic and a violist have in common? A: Both screw up Boeings. Q: What's the difference between a cello and a viola? A: The cello burns longer. Q: Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? A: He turned a peg and wouldn't tell him which one.