[Long, but original] Two brothers are catching up over a drink...

The older brother Dave is successful, hard-working and married with a family, a dog and a cat. The younger brother Mike is a real nice guy, but he's kind of a fuck-up. Having been too busy to catch up for weeks, they decide to meet up at the local bar.

Dave says, "Man, I'm sorry we haven't done this in a while. I've been so stressed at work, and to top it off the sitter quits on me one week before I'm supposed to take the wife and kids to Europe. I don't know how I'm going to arrange for someone to take care of the pets and look after mom with only a week's notice."

Mike says, "Hey, I'm not doing anything next week; let me take care of it for you!" Dave replies, "That's real nice of you, and don't take this the wrong way... but the last time I asked you to do a favor for me you killed my goldfish. This is a little more serious than 7th Grade, Mike."

Mike says, "I know I've been a real fuck-up, but hear me out: I've turned over a new leaf. I'm a different man now, Dave. I have a steady job, a beautiful girlfriend... I only ever drink a little on the weekends. Let me do you this favor to make up for all those years of being such a dope."

Dave says, "I really don't like to do this, but I'm in a bind... so against my better judgment, the wife and I would be very appreciative if you would take care of things while we're away. Thanks for coming through for me Mike."

When he lands in Europe, the first thing Dave does is pick up the phone and dial Mike to see how things are going. Mike says, "Hey, how ya doin?! ... Listen, I'm really sorry big brother, but the cat is dead."

Dave says, "WHAT?! JESUS CHRIST, I'M NOT EVEN GONE FOR A DAY AND YOU JUST KILLED THE FUCKING CAT! THE WIFE AND KIDS LOVE THAT CAT! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT ME TO TELL THEM?! You know the worst thing, Mike? You didn't even have the decency to let me enjoy my vacation for a single day. At the very least, lie to me, you piece of shit. Tell me the cat is on the roof. Then the second day say, [bad, angry impression] 'HEY DAVE NOT MUCH GOING ON HERE, YEAH THE CAT'S STILL ON THE ROOF BUT TOMORROW I'M GOING TO CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT...' At least drag out my misery, you jackass."

[Long, uncomfortable pause]

Mike says, "Shit Dave, you're absolutely right. I'm sorry. I promise, I'm not going to let anything else interrupt the rest of your vacation. I'll take care of everything and I bet I can even find a cat who looks just like snowball so you don't have to tell the girls anything."

Dave says, "I'm sorry for being so harsh on you little brother. If you can get me out of this, all is forgiven. By the way, how's mom doing?"

[Short pause]

Mike says, "Uhhhh, I think mom is on the roof."

Edit: Punctuation

You might also enjoy

Many of the jokes are contributions from our users. If you find anything offensive and against our policy please report it here with a link to the page. We will do everything to make this an enjoyable platform for everyone.