Kitty Accident

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how
legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because
the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in
the next day. By then, I could think up a dozy to explain the
bandage on my crown.


The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's
wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new
acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my
shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me
from the kitchen. "Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset
it."


"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"


"I am scared!" She pleaded "What if it starts going and sucks me
in?" (Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."


So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping to make a
statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without
consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to
find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.


It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances.
Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing
metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the
dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised
around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the
sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt
at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.


Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to
their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to
control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves
compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a
violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly
stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and
rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner. Wild animals are
sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this
predicament, choose only the "flight" option.


Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when
it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek
great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and
cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out
cold.


When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having
been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they
tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical
laughter.


At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of
me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. "What's
the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.