Jeffrey vs. Clown (long)

Jeffrey is a young man growing up in a small, mid-century town. He's a sensitive, bookish type, but overall Jeffrey is a nice guy with a good heart. One day, the circus comes to town. Having nothing else to do (as there was no internet or video games in that time), Jeffrey decides to buy a ticket.

The show ended up selling out, but Jeffrey managed to snag a good seat before they were all taken: two rows back from the front, dead center. Jeffrey sits, content, as the circus starts. A group of clowns roll out in a tiny car and engage in jokes and tomfoolery. Suddenly, one of the clowns points at Jeffrey.

"You, sir! Would you please stand up?" cries the clown.

"Me?" replies Jeffrey.

"Yes, sir, if you could stand?"

Jeffrey stands.

"Well," says the clown, "I see the horse's ass, but where's the rest of the horse?"

The audience erupts in laughter, but Jeffrey is mortified and humiliated. Choking back tears, he runs from the circus tent back to his home, where he weeps in privacy.

A few months later, Jeffrey is reading a magazine and notices an advertisement on one of the pages: "Johnny Tanner's School for Witty Retorts".

"Hm," Jeffrey says to himself, "maybe this will help me be less sensitive." So, ignoring the rather hefty price tag, he applies for the course. He sends his cash in and is mailed a few worksheets in return.

Months pass, and Jeffrey completes worksheet after worksheet. One day, however, his usual packet didn't come in the mail. Instead was a plain white envelope, with "Johnny Tanner" listed on the return address.

"Dear Jeffrey," the letter read,

"I have to confess to you that my school is nothing more than a scam. I'm not qualified to give degrees in witty retorts. However, I have noticed from your worksheets that you honestly have a knack for this. I regret my actions, so as a gesture of good will, I'm going to pull a few strings and recommend you to the University of Pennsylvania's College of Witty Retorts.

Good Luck Kid,
Johnny Tanner"

So Jeffrey goes to the University of Pennsylvania's College of Witty Retorts (one of the more highly regarded schools of Witty Retorts in the country), and promptly amazes all of his professors with his talent. He gets straight A's without ever breaking a sweat and is accepted into Stanford's Graduate School of Witty Retorts. Even before he receives his PhD in Witty Retorts, his reputation spreads. He is consulted by businessmen and politicians, and even the Pope sends a discreet emissary Jeffrey's way when he needs some tips on dealing with some of the more uppity cardinals.

After graduation, Jeffrey's Witty Retort Consulting business takes off. He spends a lot of time travelling, but ultimately returns home to live in his hometown so he can be close to his aging mother. He's a bit of a local celebrity, but is always modest and humble about his success.

One day, he sees that the circus is coming to town; the VERY SAME circus that had humiliated him years before. The circus once again sells out, but Jeffrey is able to pull some strings thanks to his new-found prestige and manages to get the exact same seat he had all those yeas ago. Once again, the circus opens with the clowns, and once again, the head clown asks him to stand. He doesn't recognize Jeffrey (though he's somewhat famous, Jeffrey is discreet and very rarely photographed), and when Jeffrey stands, the clown once again shouts:

"Well, I see the horse's ass, but where's the rest of the horse?"

The whole town turns to look at Jeffrey, eagerly awaiting his reply. Jeffrey closes his eyes, inhales through his nose, and in a clear, distinct voice says

"FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"