I am NEVER flying again!

10.) "We have a lost child at gate D-4, the bidding will start
at twenty dollars."


9.) "I'm sorry madam, but we cannot allow you to bring your cat
on board. We don't yet know the effects of high radiation on our
feline friends. And we are required to check your bags."


8.) "Yes sir, we are aware of the biohazard tag on your luggage
and no, you don't want to know it's origin. I recommend you
refrain from opening your suitcase."


7.) "Yes sir, importing Cuban cigars is illegal, that is why the
security officer had to confiscate them. What? He's smoking
them? HEY! YOU RAT! SAVE SOME FOR ME!"


6.) "I'm sorry madam, but our insurance policy does not cover
punctures in your bags caused by our checking attendants. No it
also does not cover airline crashes. It does cover explosions
prior to takeoff, however, and is our most commonly purchased
package."


5.) "Attention all airline passengers, your flight has been
delayed."


4.) "Due to fog at O'Hare we would like to ask all terrorists to
refrain from detonating their bombs until the second half of our
flight at which point we will light up the detonation light.
This is to allow us sufficient time to crash into the ground as
scheduled."


3.) "Madam, please take your entree NOW, the tongs are melting."


2.) "We apologize for the delay. Due to extenuating
circumstances our pilot is experiencing difficulties with his
sobriety level, please allow sufficient time for him to have
additional shots of tequila."


1.) "This is your captain speaking, on the left you can now
observe the majestic Mount Kilamanjar ... oh, SHIT!" I am