How To Be A Cultist

How To Be A Cultist:Recently, the Society For Evil Overlords has noticed a regrettabledecline in the availability and quality of fanatical henchmen, evilpriests, and willing sacrificial victims. We wish to correct thisgrowing problem by submitting the following general guidelines forCultists.1. Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark ofthe amateur. 2. Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correctpronunciation of your deity+s name in the privacy of your own roombefore chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful. 3. Never invoke anything bigger than your head. 4. Avoid all cabalistic jewelry over ten pounds in weight+ itattracts unwelcome attention from tourists, policemen, varioussupernatural creatures, and can be downright dangerous duringthunderstorms. 5. Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stressthis enough. Pastel-colored candles in the shape of cute animals arelike beacons to the Powers of Darkness. 6. Always keep your kit with you: candles, chalk, incense, silverknife, Thuggee cord, service revolver, garlic, Yellow Sign, cab fare,condoms, and change. 7. NEVER be the cultist that goes to rough up the hero(es).Ransacking hotel rooms is probably safe, but going +round to beat upthe good guys is a sure route to the bottom of the Thames. 8. When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest.Enraged demons always go for the pompous.9. Don't gloat.10. If you can't resist gloating, don't reveal your plans.11. If you do gloat and reveal your plans, don+t leave the hero(es)to die slowly. They don+t.12. If you gloat, reveal your plans, and leave the hero(es) to dieslowly, don+t have the audacity to look surprised when they turn up atthe last moment to foil your evil plot.13. The hero (or heroes) will always show up at the last possiblemoment to foil your plans. With this in mind, start half an hourearly+they hate that.14. Plan ahead by selecting ceremonial robes that are easy to run inwhile still affording ample concealment.15. Never screw anything whose genetic structure you are notabsolutely comfortable with.16. Never admit to screwing anything whose genetic structure you arenot absolutely comfortable with.17. When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUREYES.Thousands of cultists could be saved every year if they+d justremember this simple safety tip.18. When mutilating cattle, avoid the ones with testicles.19. During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is nowgenerally considered -bad form.-20. Blood tests are now required for all sacrificial victims beforethe ritual. The effects of HIV+ offerings on the average maleficdeity have never been witnessed by anyone living, or even intact.21. Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix.When the shit comes down, it is vitally necessary to be able todiscern between the gibbering monstrosity to throw the holy water onand the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours,some B-complex, and a good hot bath.22. Never play strip Tarot.23. Piety and belief are powerful things, and few forces in naturecan stand against one who is true to his faith, his God, and his ownsoul. However, it is also true that the Gods tend to side with theheaviest artillery, so be prepared change sides at the drop of a hat.24. For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is just notfeasible (or even possible), the lower ranks of demons can be fooledby microwaving a previously-frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverlyjiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam + is rightout.

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