Guy Speak Translated

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."Really means: "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white.""It's a guy thing."Really means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.""Can I help with dinner?"Really means: "Why isn't it already on the table?""Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."Really means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling."Good idea."Really means: "It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating.""Have you lost weight?"Really means: "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill.""My wife doesn't understand me."Really means: "She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them.""It would take too long to explain."Really means: "I have no idea how it works.""I'm getting more exercise lately."Really means: "The batteries in the remote are dead.""I got a lot done."Really means: "I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture.""We're going to be late."Really means: "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.""You cook just like my mother used to."Really means: "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too.""Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."Really means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.""That's interesting, dear."Really means: "Are you still talking?""Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."Really means: "I forgot our anniversary. Again.""You expect too much of me."Really means: "You want me to stay awake.""It's a really good movie."Really means: "It's got guns, babes, fast cars.""That's women's work."Really means: "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless.""Will you marry me?"Really means: "Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter.""Go ask your mother."Really means: "I am incapable of making a decision.""I do help around the house."Really means: "I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.""Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."Really means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.""I can't find it."Really means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless.""What did I do this time?"Really means: "What did you catch me at?""She's one of those rabid feminists."Really means: "She refused to make my coffee.""I heard you."Really means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me.""You know I could never love anyone else."Really means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.""You look terrific."Really means: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving.""I brought you a present."Really means: "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.""I missed you."Really means: "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper.""I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."Really means: "No one will ever see us alive again.""We share the housework."Really means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up.""Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."Really means: "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?""It sure snowed last night."Really means: "I suppose you're going to nag me about shoveling the walk now.""I don't need to read the instructions."Really means: "I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.""I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."Really means: "This time we won't use the drive-thru window."