Farmers and their Pig

Old, long winded, and immature. But, I always laugh at it

Three farmers had been competing at the state fair for several years now for the biggest pig contest. Each year though all three farmers would lose to a pig from another county. So, Farmer John calls farmer Brown and Farmer Dan over to his house one day. Farmer John had the idea that the reason each one of them lost separately was because neither of them had a farm with enough food to feed their respective pigs, so the animals never grew big enough. He set down the idea that the three of them pull their resources and enter next year’s contest together with a single pig. All agreed.

And so, Farmer Brown, Dan, and John raised a single piglet to a good sized hog, but upon seeing what the other state’s farmers were raising the were dismayed by the fact that their pig just wasn’t big enough.

“I have an idea” Farmer Brown said. “This pig shits too much, let’s put a plug in his ass to keep him from shitting, and that ought to make him nice and fat.” They all agreed

And so, the pig with a plug in his ass got nice and fat, fatter than any other pig in the state. So fat in fact he was a fair record breaker. The three farmers went home, glade to each have been given a blue ribbon for raising such a prize worthy pig. The time then came then that the pig had to go to slaughter, but before they could do that the farmers had to remove the plug in his ass.

“Well I ain’t doin’ it.” Farmer Brown said. “That pig is HUGE, big as a shed, and all that shit in there? Nu-uh. Not happening. Sides, it was my idea to put the plug there, one of you do it.”

“Dun look at me, I’s the one that pulled the pig on my trailer. You do it.” Farmer John quarreled.

“Wait fellahs,” Farmer John interrupted. “We got this far without fighting, let’s not start now. I have an idea. I got a monkey. He’ll do anything for a peanut. If I give him a peanut, I reckon I can get him to pull the plug out for us.” They all agreed. Farmer John left to get his monkey and a bag of peanuts. When he came back he put the monkey down and held out a peanut for him. “All right Bo-bo. Go get the-“

“Hold on!” farmer Brown said, stepping forward and holding back John’s hand. “Not here. If that pigs gon’ shit let it be in the field. Yuh know, free fertilizer.”

John nodded and they all headed out to Brown’s field. John stood the closest, with Brown about half way between the pig and the edge of the field, and Dan standing at its edge. When Farmer John sent his monkey Bo-bo to pull the plug there was a great resounding, long, wet fart followed by a great black-brown foul smelling torrent of pig shit that rose up to Dan’s ankles. Brown was up to his hips in pig leavings, and John? John was up to his neck, laughing.

Dan and Brown were rightly and reasonably mad, both cursing up storm until their saw Farmer John laughing. “What the hell you laughing for?” Shouted Dan, trying to shake the stink off his legs.

“Yeah, you’re up to your neck in filth” Added Brown

Between alternating gasps and gags John looked back at the other two. “You should have seen that monkey trying to put that plug back!”