EMAIL EXCHANGE WITH OVER PROTECTIVE FATHER SCARED OF DAUGHTER STAINING COUCH WITH SEMEN.

Craigslist Email Conversation with Over Protective Father


April 22, 2015 at 6:39pm

michael Gruden
10:03 PM (20 hours ago)

Hello, I'm an overprotective father looking to furnish my daughter's new apartment when she starts in UCF next semester, and I saw your ad on craigslist for couch and loveseat. When I purchase this couch I'll be periodically checking my daughter's furniture with a black light for semen stains. Call me crazy, I don't care. If I'm paying for her college, she has to save herself and put up with a crazy father.
What I need to know is, will I find any prior to purchase and may I check it with a black light?

DC2885
3:59 PM (2 hours ago)
to michael
Dear Mr. Gruden (Fellow American),

Thank you for your caring, and refreshing email. You never really know what you are going to run into with this Craig's List but its good to know there is another flag waving Fellow American who considers Craig a friend. Let me first say I am so relieved that I'm not selling you the couch in my garage!

Anyway, I am no expert in the spectrum of light colors so I am a little confused about your "black light". My wife and I have industry standard white lights? Do black lights give off black light to make a room darker? I struggle with stress based insomnia and this sounds like something I should look into to.

Sorry for my delay there. I was just GOOGLING what a black light is. Its a detective device to catch semen but also a "party-starter" (source: Wikipedia). Without delaying my response any further, I will do my best to answer your previously stated semen question.

I can not imagine that there is any human semen on my couch, or loveseat (I guess its now a non love seat huh? chuckle, chuckle). I must admit that I do have a few real prankster friends though and there is just no telling what those boys have done that I have yet to find out about. I'll tell you what, there is nothing scarer than getting a firecracker full of flour stuffed in your tailpipe! Shayne got me good on that one! What I can assure you is that Lizel , my sister wife, REFUSES couch based intimacy so I can't imagine what your detective device would find. In the interest of full transparency, when I am not home I have a nagging suspicion that Winston, our dog, finds the agility to POUNCE onto the couch and try to dig a hole in the cushion (no damage as such, just a gut-hunch). I can not determine or confirm his true intentions for this imaginary cubby hole hide-away. I suspect he may be part squirrel. Seems like he is always trying to bury nuts!!!! Damn Dog!

I do not have children, Fellow American, however I can only hope to raise my unborn daughter(s) in the same self respecting way you are. I often chuckle chuckle with my wife that I will lock them up in a dark closet in baggy sweat shirts until they are 32, at which time I will hopefully be able to sell them exclusively for livestock. You might be thinking I should part ways with them for land based property but I have a pretty dynamic bullet proof plan to acquire A LOT of property in the next 32 years and by such time I will need the livestock for tax exemptions because the carrying costs can be very burdensome--much like a promiscuous daughter (See: Music Television Channel's TEEN MOM).

Finally, I am hip to what the college students are doing these days. They are beyond random room searches, in fact they prepare for them. If you are going to do detective work at your daughter's place I highly suggest a FULL SWEEP OF THE AREA, not just on a specific piece of property. I can also connect you with Duane, who does personal security and we can put so many tracking devices on your daughter that she won't even know where she is!

Sorry for my long winded email. I hope that this helps to answer your questions. Please let me know if you would like to set up a meeting, and best wishes to you on your search for family-based purity.

Sincerely,
Your Friend.

michael Gruden
4:14 PM (2 hours ago)

Why would I meet with you if you're "not going to sell me your couch"????
Frankly that sounds creepy and I didn't peruse craigslist to find creeps


DC2885
4:15 PM (2 hours ago)
to michael
OH Gee! No I meant you DEFINITELY DONT WANT THE COUCH in my GARAGE. Heavens, NO

The couch and Loveseat I posted about are inside our house!

michael Gruden
4:17 PM (2 hours ago)
Is your couch for sale or not?!?!

DC2885
4:19 PM (2 hours ago)
to michael
Fellow American,

You are getting a little aggressive and making me uncomfortable. Are you asking if the couch in my garage WHICH YOU DEFINITELY DONT WANT is for sale?

If you are asking if the couch and loveseat in my house which I posted for sale yesterday is for sale well then I dont know why you are asking if it is for sale because I posted it for sale and you responded about purchasing my couch for sale and I responded about the purchase of my couch that is for sale.

michael Gruden
4:25 PM (2 hours ago)

If you feel I'm aggressive, why did you post personal information?
Anyway, my apologies if I came off as aggressive. I am just hesitant with these craigslist list things. Too many people endanger themselves. My daughter was actually going to furnish her own apartment on craigslist but she's too beautiful and I know she'd wind up dead. Nobody is going to want a slightly overweight and balding man such as myself.
Anyway, my apologies for the confusion.
When could I look at the couch ?




DC2885
4:52 PM (1 hour ago)
to michael
Fellow American (Mr Gruden),

I was raised with a fear of baldness. My mother's father was bald at the age of 30. I am told that you get your hair jeans from your mothers father. I never knew him. Died in a auto wreck. Guess he never passed his jeans on because I feel as though my politician like hair is one of my few redeeming qualities. My hair cutterer is cute too.

I apologize for being redundant, but I am still confused on which couch you are referring to. Are you referring to THE COUCH IN MY GARAGE WHICH YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT, or are you referring to the couch I originally posted about on the list which Craig manages? In an earlier email, you seemed to want THE COUCH MY GARAGE WHICH YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT. Please advise so as to avoid future confusion.

Did you se the recent news story about the UCF Student that was on LSD (laxidazical super drug) and had a bad trip last week? You definitely want your daughter to stay away from him!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The local Orlando news did a story. The kid just kept yelling "MARY JANE, MARY JANE" while they tased him. IS YOUR DAUGHTER NAMED MARY JANE?! OH GOD. IT MAY BE TOO LATE IN REGARDS TO SEMEN.

I am glad you are protecting your daughter from the University of Central Florida and Greater Orlando Internet-Furniture-Salesman-Murderer(s). As aforementioned, I respect for fathering.

PS. ARE YOU RELATED TO THE LEGENDARY JON GRUDEN (NFL COACH) AND HIS LESS IMPRESSIVE BROTHER WHO ONCE COACHED ARENA FOOTBALL IN ORLANDO AND NOW COACHES (KIND OF) THE WASHINGTON REDSKINS (also--do you have a stance on the team name?). MEMORIBILIA?

michael Gruden
5:29 PM (1 hour ago)
Dear Mr. C
I guess we're on a last name basis. Feel free to call me Mike anytime though Drew. I definitely am talking about the couch in your living room if it's clean. I am very interested, at least my daughter seemed to like the pictures. You seem to obsess over small details, like balding. I'll give you some advice. Do not wear a hat too often. I'm convinced my balding is from my yamaka, as I'm only bald in the spot in which I wear it. Regarding relations to football Grudens, no I'm not related. My doctors last name is Carr. Do you have a doctor in your family here in Florida?
Anyway, it's been nice chatting, but I'd like to get back to business.
Yes the couch in your living room.



DC2885
6:09 PM (21 minutes ago)
to michael
Dear Mr Gruden but Certainly Not a Football Gruden,

Thank you for your tips on male pattern baldness and prevention. My mother at one point always talked to me that if I continued to wear a hat I would go bald but I always thought she was just nagging me. I GUESS MOM WAS RIGHT AGAIN. I do have some gray hairs though. Some people say thats a distinguished look, and I say those people have a foot in the grave. I pull the gray hairs out because I struggle with colorless objects. I feel they present negative energy. I need to stop this as I am pulling myself towards baldness with each hair (pun intended). The only doctors in our family are the ones that my BROTHER SUES FOR BIG CHECKS! BREAK YO NECK? CALL CHARLIE! #CHECKS.

I wore a yamaka once when I was a kid at Corey Hertz's bot mitzvah. I accidentally dropped a book on the floor during the service. Geez, I was so embarassed!!! That was in middle school and I ended up going to a different high school to start fresh! I am glad to hear that you are passing ON THE COUCH IN MY GARAGE WHICH YOU DEFINITELY DO NOT WANT. I think at this point, I am not going to sell my couch to your daughter (although she does seem lovely), as I don't want some creep in my house with a semen device!!!! BECAUSE WHAT IF SOMETHING IS FOUND THAT LIZEL MY SISTER WIFE CANT EXPLAIN. I CAN NOT DEAL WITH THAT! NO SIR! NOT TODAY!

PS. Here is a picture I found of the Gruden (NFL) Family from a historical point in time. Just in case you don't remember a distant family member. Disclaimer: I was not there when the photo was taken and I can not (unfortunately) provide accurate photographer credit.



Best of luck in your search for a semen free seating/nap device for your daughter. I hope you can find a couch that pulls out. I like those pull out couches as they provide options for napping and visitors. I am sorry to bother your business dealings, you contacted me first!!!!

Prayers For Your Future Son in Law.

Your Fellow American.

michael Gruden
6:16 PM (13 minutes ago)
to frf3g-49900887.
Honestly is the couch in your living room for sale or not and may I look at it?


DC2885 to michael
6:30 PM (0 minutes ago)
to michael
PLEASE LEAVE US ALONE WE CAN NOT SELL EITHER COUCH TO YOU.