Drinker's Fault Finding Guide

Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.


Fault : Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.


Solution : Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.


Symptom : Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.


Fault : Glass is empty.


Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.


Symptom : Room is spinning.


Fault : Somebody is spinning your barstool.


Solution : Vomit on person doing the spinning.


Symptom : Feet cold and wet.


Fault : Glass being held at incorrect angle.


Solution : Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.


Symptom : Feet warm and wet.


Fault : Loss of self-control.


Solution : Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.


Symptom : Lap cool and wet.


Fault : Drooling on yourself.


Solution : Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.


Symptom : Bar blurred. Fault : You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution : Find someone who will buy you another pint.


Symptom : Bar moving.


Fault : You are being carried out.


Solution : Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not complain loudly that you are being hijacked.


Sympton : Bar looks like a circus.


Fault : You're at a circus.


Solution : Go to a bar.


Symptom : The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.


Fault : You have fallen over backwards.


Solution : If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.


Symptom : Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.


Fault : You have fallen over forwards.


Solution : Same as for falling over backwards.


Symptom : Everything has gone dim.


Fault : The pub is closing.


Solution : PANIC!!