Doctor Doodles

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians. (Courtesy of Richard Lederer, Ph.D. "Fractured English.")


- By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped and he was feeling better.


- Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.


- The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.


- On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.


- She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.


- The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.


- I will be happy to go into her GI system. She seems ready and anxious.


- Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.


- I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.


- The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.


- Discharge status: Alive but without permission.


- The patient will need disposition, therefore Dr. Blank will dispose of him.


- Healthy-appearing, decrepit 69-year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.


- The patient refused an autopsy.


- The patient has no past history of suicides.


- The patient expired on the floor unetentfully.


- Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.


- Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.


- The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.


- She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.


- The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.


- The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.