DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

Names
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If Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice go out for lunch, they will call each other Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice.
If Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out
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When the bill arrives, Fred, Luke, Bradley, and Jeff will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.
When Linda, Kate, Paula and Janice get their bill, out come the
pocket calculators.

Money
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A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.
A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn’t need, because it’s on sale.

Bathrooms
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A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.
The average number of items in a woman’s bathroom is 284. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments
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Women always have the last word in an argument.
Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats
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Women love cats.
Men may say they love cats, but when women are not looking, will men kick cats.

The Future
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A woman worries about the future — until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future — until he gets a wife.

Success
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A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage
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A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

Dressing Up
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A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural
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Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.
Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children
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A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Maturity
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Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

Handwriting
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To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their “i’s” with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their “p’s” and “g’s”. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she’s dumping you, she’ll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Groceries
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A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett’s car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 12-items-or-less lane.

Going Out
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When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings and finishes putting on her makeup.

Low Blows
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Let’s say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says, “Oh, gee. That must have hurt.” The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

Laundry
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Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat.

The Wedding
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When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about “the ceremony”. Men talk about “the bachelor party”.