Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the
window, watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like
newlyweds again. I love snow!


December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering
ever inch of landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a
more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best
idea I had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This
afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so i got to shovel again. What a
perfect life!


December 12:
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment.
My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white
Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll
have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a
nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.


December 14:
Snow , lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to
*20 . The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my
breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! the snow plow came back this
afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize that I
would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly
get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.


December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought
snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity
goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.


December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for
an hour, which I thought was very cruel.


December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.
Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on
to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't
admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.


December 20:
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff
last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Freakin' snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called
the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower
and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think
they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have
it done and bill me. I think he's lying.


December 22:
Bob was right about the white Christmas because 13 more inches
of the white shit fell today, and its so cold it probably wont
melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up and
go to out to shovel then I had to piss. By the time I got
undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel.
Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is
lying.


December 23:
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me
to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...... NUTS?!?! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month
ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.


December 24:
6". Snow packed so hard today by snowplow, I broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the Son of
a Bitch who drives the snowplow, I'll drag him though the snow
by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me
to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a


Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and
open our presents, but I was busy watching for the freakin'
snowplow.


December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the @#$%^& slop tonight.
Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate
snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and
I hit him over the head with my shovel. The Wife says I have a
bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a
Wonderful Life" one more time. I'm going to kill her.


December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all
HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.


December 27:
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.


December 28:
Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me
crazy!!!


December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could
cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?


December 30:
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million
dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother. 9" predicted.


December 31:
Set fire to what's left of the house. No more Shoveling!!


January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep
giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?