A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the manager, who takes him to an out-of-the way corner where there is a freshly tuned, gleeming black Steinway grand piano. The pianist is momentarily overcome as he sits down at the majestic instrument. The manager pulls up a chair and tells him that the position pays three hundred dollars a night, but with one condition: "You have to play only original music." Barely able to contain his joy, the pianist says "That's not a problem at all, I've written hundreds of pieces." The manager asks him to play one.

The pianist launches into an up-tempo post-bop piece with subtly shifting harmonies somewhat reminiscent of Ravel, but with a rhythmic drive that would make McCoy Tyner blush. After he finishes the tune, the manager, floored, asks "Wow! that's amazing! What's the name of that?" The pianist tells him It's called "I love it when you take a huge steaming shit on my grandmother's carpet". 

The manager is taken aback by the the unexpected vulgarity, but because the pianist is so brilliant, he ignores it. The manager asks him to play another of his compositions. He starts off with a poignant rubato introduction and then smoothly slides into a 5/4 samba that features a bi-tonal ostinato section set off by a funk groove section with a surprising update of Coltrane's countdown changes.

The manager is again thoroughly impressed and reluctantly asks the name of the tune. The pianist says It's called "I want to stick my head in your panties and suffocate in your wonderfully sickening ass-stench." The manager is again startled by the sharply disgusting title, but by this time a crowd had gathered around to enjoy the music. 

Realizing that he was in the presence of greatness, the manager decides to hire him, but gives him a warning: "You must promise me one thing. You can't tell anyone the names of your tunes." The pianist gives the manager a bemused look, and although he doesn't fully understand this strange request, he agrees.

So the pianist starts his new job and the crowd is really enjoying his other-worldly dinner music. After a while, nature makes its inevitable call, and he takes a break to go to the men's room. Never the most fastidious person, and being pre-occupied by an idea for a new composition, the pianist neglects to return his manhood to his trousers, and blithely strides out of the men's room.

Mistaking the diner's stares for adulation he confidently struts toward the piano, but before he gets there the bartender, shocked, yells out "Hey man! Do you know your fly's open and your dick and balls are hanging out?" The pianist gives him a condescending look and says "Do I KNOW it? I WROTE it!"