A partisan joke for election day

Jacob, Jonah, and John aren't getting along very well in Heaven, and one day God gets tired of it and kicks them out. "I'm sick of you guys bickering. You don't appreciate the gifts I gave you. I want you guys to do something amazing. Work together and do something for the record books! As soon as a human publishes a book that mentions your accomplishments together, you can come back to heaven. And you know what, take Satan with you. He's always sowing discord among you, so he's part of the deal too."

Jacob, Jonah, and John are a little ticked off and eager to get back into Heaven ASAP. Satan is on board, too, because he wants to get back to tempting souls into eternal damnation. They decide to fulfill God's task in the most smart-ass way possible, by getting into the Guinness Book of World Records.

Jonah says, "I spent three days and three nights in the belly of a fish, so surely I can break the record for holding my breath underwater."

John says, "I was plunged into boiling oil in Rome and suffered not; surely in this unholy age no man can match me."

Jacob says, "I wrestled with God for an entire night; surely I can break a mortal record for strength and endurance."

Satan says, "I have sole authority and responsibility for dashing people's hopes of salvation and tricking them into everlasting torment, so surely I'm the biggest asshole in the world."

They agree that their plan is foolproof, so they each make an appointment at Guinness headquarters. The next morning they drive together, wish each other luck, and go to their respective appointments. Twelve hours later, they meet back in the lobby.

Jonah says, "I made it into the book! A Danish guy held his breath for twenty-two minutes, so I held mine for twenty-three, and I spent the rest of the day signing autographs for kids who were here to stack cups and recite pi and stuff like that." Jacob and John give him their congratulations, but Satan just rolls his eyes.

John says, "It took plenty of convincing, but they let me jump into boiling oil and awarded me a record for human heat tolerance! Then I took a long hot shower and explained all the symbolism in Revelations to some guys who turned out to be huge fans." Jacob and Jonah give him a give five and a pat on the back, but Satan snorts in irritation.

Jacob says, "I'm surprised, the world record for pushups was pretty tough! Still, it only took me ten hours to beat the 24-hour record. The rest of the time they had me taking pictures and filling out paperwork." Jonah and John congratulate him, but now Satan is literally hopping mad.

"So... Satan? How'd that biggest asshole thing go?"

"GODDAMMIT, WHO THE FUCK IS JOHN BOEHNER?"

Republicans, fire back with jokes, not downvotes!