A man was arrested at Kennedy Airport today...

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher,
was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a
slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said
he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with
carrying weapons of math instruction. "Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzales said. They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.
They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined
they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."
When asked to comment on the arrest, a TSA employee obtusely said, "If God had wanted us to have better
weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."Tomorrow I intend to go to
the hill and address Congruence about this situation. I have a volume of suggestions and a finite series
of common solutions for them to consider.” The President then warned, “These weapons of math instruction
are without parallel and have the potential to decimal everything on a scalene never before seen unless
we become exponents of an infinity Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of kindness. If we
enter a phase in which all nations are integrated in all degrees of purpose, that steady state will give
us slope for a better tomorrow, and we will all be infinitely better off. In such a case we could have
our pi and eat it too.” The President further declared, “I am gratified that we have been given a sine
that al-Gebra is protracting this situation with calculusing disregard. Their murky statisticians plan
to inflict plane of new dimensions on every sphere of influence,” he added. “Under these circumferences,
we must differentiate their roots, make our points, draw our lines, and proportionally intersect these
people throughout whatever area of the domain they range. And, above all, we must make sure that they
can’t get their hands on radii active materials. That is one thing you can secant. What we need is a higher
quotient of linguists embedded with our troops so that they can interpolate the gibberish that al-Gebra
uses to communicate. If we had that capability, we could periodically reach new limits of success as
easily as falling off a natural log. Anything short of that could lead to some real, not imaginary,
complex circumstances.” The Secretary of Homeland Security added, “As our Great Leader would say,
‘Read my ellipse.’ The one angle that I am uncertainty of is that although al-Gebra will probability try
to continuously multiply in theorem, their days are numbered as we draw the hypotenuse ever tighter
around their necks.”