You'll never guess what happened to me last week...

This is a completely true story.

So last Saturday I'm sat at home in front of the tv when my phone rings.

"Hello, who's this?" I answer.

"Hi it's Margery, I'm your brother's next door neighbour. Sorry but I didn't know who else to ring, a pipe has broke in your brother's house and it's flooding."

See my brother lives in Wales but was on holiday in Spain and his neighbour had no way to contact him.

So I said, "Well the only person who has a key is his daughter who works in London, I'll give her a ring and she'll drive up as soon as she can."

But here's the thing, his daughter works in a phone sex centre! And I unfortunately didn't have her mobile number so I had to ring her at work!

So when she answers the phone she says, 'Hello big boy, what can I do for you tonight?'

'Sorry Lucy, I'm definitely not looking for any phone sex what so ever, it's your uncle Lee. I've got some bad news, a pipe has broken in your dad's house and it's flooded.'

'Oh my god!' She said 'That's terrible, I'll drive up as soon as I finish.'

I was relieved to have fixed the problem but I hadn't seen Lucy in a while so I asked her how she had been, that was a huge mistake! I forgot how much Lucy could talk, she talked non stop for two whole hours!

When I looked at my bank account the next day I saw that last nights conversation cost me £56!

Well I was furious, so that night I rang up Lucy again and explained what had happened.

'Oh Lee that's terrible, I'll talk to my boss and get that sorted for you straight away.'

'Thanks Lucy that's great,' I replied.

But trying to be polite I stupidly asked her, 'So how did it go at your dads? Did you find out what caused the leak?'

I know, I'm stupid! This time she talked for 3 whole hours. And yet again I got charged for the call, it cost me a ludicrous £87!

So the next day I called her up again and... Ah fuck it, my wife didn't believe me either.