You Might Be a Redneck If...

- You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife
drunk.


- You ever cut your grass and found a car.


- You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.


- You think the stock market has a fence around it.


- Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.


- Your boat has not left the drive-way (or front yard) in 15
years.


- You own a homemade fur coat.


- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.


- You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.


- Birds are attracted to your beard.


- Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.


- You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.


- You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.


- You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.


- Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".


- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.


- You've ever given rat traps as gifts.


- You clean your fingernails with a stick.


- Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.


- You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.


- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.


- Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.


- Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.


- You've totaled every car you've ever owned.


- There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.


- The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.


- There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.


- You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
monkeys.


- The tail-light covers of your car are made of red tape.


- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.


- You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.


- You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.


- You're considered an expert on worm beds.


- You take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."


- The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your
house.


- People hear your car a long time before they see it.


- The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.


- You prefer car keys to Q-tips.


- You take a fishing pole into Sea World.


- You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.


- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.


- You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.


- You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.


- You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.


- You consider a bug zapper entertainment.


- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.


- Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.


- Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."


- Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.


- You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.


- Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.


- You see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an
empty milk jug.


- You consider the fifth grade your senior year.


- The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.


- You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill....


- You consider gravel "home improvement".