You Might Be a Redneck If...

- You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife

- You ever cut your grass and found a car.

- You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.

- You think the stock market has a fence around it.

- Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.

- Your boat has not left the drive-way (or front yard) in 15

- You own a homemade fur coat.

- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

- You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.

- Birds are attracted to your beard.

- Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.

- You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.

- You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.

- You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.

- Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".

- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.

- You've ever given rat traps as gifts.

- You clean your fingernails with a stick.

- Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.

- You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.

- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

- Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

- Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.

- You've totaled every car you've ever owned.

- There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.

- The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

- There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.

- You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the

- The tail-light covers of your car are made of red tape.

- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

- You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.

- You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.

- You're considered an expert on worm beds.

- You take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

- The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your

- People hear your car a long time before they see it.

- The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.

- You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

- You take a fishing pole into Sea World.

- You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.

- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

- You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.

- You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.

- You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.

- You consider a bug zapper entertainment.

- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

- Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

- Directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."

- Your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.

- You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.

- Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.

- You see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an
empty milk jug.

- You consider the fifth grade your senior year.

- The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.

- You have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill....

- You consider gravel "home improvement".

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